Harry Potter » Drabble set #8

greenzxz

Memo	Conference Report, Day Four
To	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
From	Major Harry J. Potter
RE	International Cooperation Efforts
Last day of conference: attended new spell workshop, closing ceremonies, and ball.
Morning
◊ The Magica Academia developed scrying spell which creates animated golem from DNA sample. Aurors can use to model suspects with evidence found at site. Representatives taught workshop instructing use of new spell. Healer Hermione Potter-Granger accompanied.
◊ Post workshop, Ms. Potter-Granger tested new spell using hairs found in hotel room. Other possible DNA samples had been cleaned by Evanesco’s the previous night. Happy to report, the spell works well. Ms. Potter-Granger and myself were able to maintain successfully six life-size golems (we found some of your hair on Fleur’s bag) and to move them in interesting ways. Should note that golems are life-sized but lack biological functions; drawbacks can be overcome with warming and other spells. Led to generation of more DNA samples to test with, and be warned that while bodily fluids work with spell, mixed bodily fluids do not.
◊ Mrs. Fleur Weasley, Ms. Padma Patil, and Miss Gabrielle Delacour took this morning to attend a session led by Incan mystics from Machu Picchu on advanced concealment spells that can allow magical beings to hide in plain sight of Magicals and Non-Magicals. The three afterwards promised to demonstrate those charms next visit to Riviera.
Evening
◊ Closing ceremonies dull. Many pompous old liars who never attended a single session praising the success of cooperation. Laughed when one speaker commented on how sad so few Durmstrang graduates survived the last war. Running into me with a Death Eater’s mask on isn’t good for life expectancy, no. The last speaker was American version of Gilderoy Lockhart. Caught his eye when he was about to describe wrestling Bigfoot. Gave My Ring Finger is Licensed to Kill smile. He wrapped up.
◊ Post dinner ball poorly lit and decorated. Entered with Ms. Patil and Ms. Potter-Granger to my left, Miss Delacour and Mrs. Weasley to my right. Old rhymes-with-witch from last night seemed to have a stroke when Ms. Patil and Ms. Potter-Granger had the first dance when self was occupied between Miss Delacour and Mrs. Weasley. Not sure if because Ms. Patil and Ms. Potter-Granger dancing very close, or two Veela literally hanging off of arms. Had dances with all four through the night.
◊ If you receive a complaint from the Imperial Magical Agency, be glad that the Delacours prevented me from eviscerating the drunk lecher in the ballroom. The old Japanese mage was hitting on my wife! Let him know how lucky it was that Ms. Potter-Granger merely hit him with one of her trademark charms.
Night
◊ Post incident, witches and self returned to room to celebrate a successful conference. Witches intend to work as a group tonight, instead of holding two simultaneous discussions. A little less efficient, but more rewarding outcome to ensure future cooperation between the Potter, Delacour, Patil, and Weasley families.
◊ Ms. Patil had wanted to posture and to preen before settling down to the table in earnest, but Ms. Potter-Granger believed that jumping right and getting wet was the right way. Mrs Weasley starting baring her position for my consideration while Miss Delacour grabbed firmly the core of my stance. I reciprocated to get my finger on her pulse. She was eager and ready to accept any of my initiatives. Ms. Patil had given in and allowed Ms. Potter-Granger to magically strip her of all frills protecting her, and leaned towards Mrs. Weasley to show that tonight’s negotiations were not to be just bilateral. There was some impressive tongue wagging coming from both witches.
◊ Was then on the receiving side of the amazing things that can happen when the Potter and Delacour families team up on an objective. The two participants have not cooperated often in the past, so there are still times when the two witches bumped heads and got into each other’s way. Still, practice is key to good teamwork, and their cooperation improved dramatically before reaching their goal. Good to see friends share rewards of their efforts.
◊ Ms. Potter-Granger got up to pull Mrs. Weasley towards our half of the group. Ms. Patil and Miss Delacour eagerly helped in restraining Mrs. Weasley from backing out of the Potter-Weasley alliance, though she seemed more ready to back up than out. This talk was touch and go for everyone involved, but the result was satisfactory for all. Mrs. Weasley had to take break for an hour.
◊ Decided to next explore Ms. Patil to learn more about the Indian sub-continent. Ms. Patil displayed the powers of yoga to contort into positions without the aid of flexibility charms. She also instructed witches on a variety of Sanskrit invocations to Hindi gods and goddesses. Was quite audible even when muffled by Miss Delacour, fearing of neighbors being woken. Alternated between conversing with Ms. Patil and Miss Delacour when both eventually got tired and fainted.
◊ Finally Ms. Potter-Granger took a seat upon her throne. Looking around, she realized that the Potters were still outnumbered by the witches. To help reinforce our side, she used the golem charm we learned earlier to create some animated forms. Decided to wake witches with gentle rocking motions instead of anything intense. All three witches were delighted with the more even teams. Ms. Potter-Granger bounced with joy at the success of her spellwork.
◊ With the reinforcements, negotiations lasted well into the night.
◊ Will await your arrival tomorrow afternoon to pay my respects to the Weasley clan.
Auror Captain Harry J. Potter

greenzxz

This obviously takes place at a different time from the Conference snippets, though no idea before or after.
To Hufflepuff means to help out; to be loyal to a friend. And to clarify, Daphne’s an apprentice of Ollivander and he was out of the shop for some reason.

Subject	Diagon Alley Patrol
To	Hannah Abbott
From	Auror Trainee Susan Bones
Hi Hannah,
Well, you want to know what patrols with Harry are like, huh? Well, honestly it’s quite boring and routine. Harry’s very dedicated to his work. Let me tell you what happened during the patrol through Diagon Alley just the other day.
First, I should remind you that Harry now goes out patrolling with his invisibility cloak, to make sure that no one can notice him. However, since the rest of us have to make do with standard Auror equipment, Harry first tested my ability to stay quiet and inconspicuous on a stake-out in the middle of the Alley! He was trying his very hardest to distract me with his hands and voice, but I stood firm against the tide. At least for a while. When it looked like I was going to succumb and scream for mercy, Harry gagged me himself to make sure that I didn’t break our cover. Only after I eventually satisfied him that I can stay quiet did we do our patrol proper.
Our first stop was Flourish & Blotts. Harry had another test for me, this time not for silence but movement. I was not to knock over any of the books in the back row while Harry had a snack. I was doing well until the clerk Astoria Nott came by our area of the shop. Harry offered her a taste, which she took to enthusiastically. The sight of her eating made my knees weaken, and I just had to collapse. When I recovered, Harry had already reshelved the books and assured me that Astoria had that effect on people, and I will do better next time.
The next few stops were uneventful, until we visited Madam Malkin’s. Lavender was busy, but she waved hi. She was holding something Harry needed in the back room, so we waited for her to be free. She greeted him excitedly once we entered the private fitting rooms. Harry was getting a surprise gift for Hermione, so I Hufflepuffed and helped Lavender model some of the clothing. I’m glad the private rooms can be separately heated because the clothes were really thin and cold! After considering things like fit, material mass, comfort, ease of wear, texture, and of course look, Harry made his decision and paid. Speaking from experience, Hermione will be very happy girl!
Making this purchase emptied Harry’s wallet, so we headed towards Gringott’s next. Harry was about to just ask a teller to do a withdraw for him when he noticed that Pansy Malfoy was in the bank as well. We had a nice chat; she was there to reinvest some of her husband’s money into things like Muggle orphanages. Isn’t that nice of her? Since Pansy was there, we decided to escort her down to her vault just to be safe. Did you know that the Malfoys (among other families) have access to a series of vaults and rooms which do not have visual surveillance of any kind? Pretty shady if you ask me. Pansy explained this to me as she closely examined Harry and me, to make sure that we weren’t smuggling any money out of her vaults. Harry assures me it’s standard procedure whenever he comes down to Pansy’s vault.
After we parted ways back in the Alley, Harry decided that it was time to eat at The Leaky Cauldron. As I’m sure you recall the lovely protein-heavy lunch that we shared that day, I will not recount that here.
The afternoon patrol dragged on, until I led Harry to Fortescue’s Ice Cream for a sugar break. We arrived just in time as Luna Lovegood had spilled some ice cream on her shirt and was now trying to lick it off. We hurried her into the back room to help her clean up, both her clothing and herself. Morgana, doesn’t that girl know any modesty? But she was delicious, even better with ice cream.
Our patrol was coming to an end when we heard a curse coming from Ollivander’s. We rushed in to find a customer yelling at Daphne. The idiot bought a wand, attuned to himself, for his son, and now wanted a refund because his son was having difficulties using it. Aren’t purebloods supposed to hold onto our customs of the wand chooses the wizard instead of producing these spoiled ignorant idiots? Harry escorted him out unceremoniously. A thankful and knowledgeable Daphne noticed that my wand wasn’t in perfect condition, and offered to teach me her secret wand polishing techniques. Of course, being a secret, we had to close the shop for a while to ensure we had our privacy. I must admit, she showed much more skill and experience handling that wand than I did, so I took careful note of the polishing process. She promised that if I ever needed refresher courses her door was always open. How nice!
The patrol over, we returned to the Ministry to write out the reports. However, we ran into Sergeant Davis on the way in. Apparently a box of Muggle contraband, confiscated from a magical by Scotland Yard, ended up on her desk. She wanted some help categorizing them, given Harry’s muggle-raised nature. I also wanted this opportunity to learn more about Muggle Studies, so I followed them to Tracy’s office. Most of the items were fairly mundane, and Tracy only really had problems identifying a few oddly colored, cylindrical items that rumble when a part of them is pressed. Harry happily demonstrated their intended use to us, and I have to say the muggles can be very ingenious! Harry magnanimously informed us that he and Hermione had similar items in their home, and they would be happy to show those to us as well.
The end of this very long day came, as always, with a pensieve session with Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley, who needed to verify that my performance was Auror material. She seemed amused at how Harry seemed to repeatedly run into a similar group of witches every patrol. She must have not eaten recently, since she started to salivate at the snack Harry was eating in Flourish & Blott’s as well as at our lunch. Administrator Weasley also had a hungry glimmer in her eye when going over Tracy’s contraband; what is Percy doing? She seemed satisfied with the patrol in general, though she seemed amused at how Harry seems particularly unfamiliar with polishing his own wand. He shrugged and said, Eh, my wand gets polished by so many people that I haven’t had to do it myself for a while. The arrogant berk!
So that was my patrol with Harry. It’s fairly routine now that most criminals don’t dare show their face in the Alley. As Penelope mentioned, most of the excitement comes from the friends that we bump into. And honestly, we see the same friends almost every week at Potter Manor anyway.
◊ P.S. I asked Hermione later how does she guarantee that Harry can keep up with so many old friends, and she smirked, Magic. I tried to tickle the real answer out of her but she managed to come out on top and forced me onto the defensive. Hermione is a master at working those toys! When Harry joined in against me, I knew that it was hopeless and just let go. I’ll wrestle the answers out of them some other time. Maybe you can help me?

meteoricshipyards

Memo	Performance Evaluation
To	Head Auror Shacklebolt
From	Auror Captain Potter
Re	Private Luna Lovegood’s recent actions
◊ Lovegood has her heart in the right place. And while her mind seems to wander, she has been trying harder to recently to keep focused on the task at hand. Her forensic magic is impeccable (ref. the Thomas case) and her interview technique, while unorthodox, has proved efficacious in several difficult situations (Ref. the Orloff jewel theft).
◊ The current complaints against Private Lovegood’s recent actions are, unfortunately, true; at least the written ones. She did destroy weeks of work on McFearson’s Elf Smuggling ring. We still have no clue as to the type of magics that the Etruscan Mafia is using to hold the house elves against their will.
◊ In Luna’s defense, though, she did accidently prevent the ritual murder of twelve children that would have brought the Dark Lord Balmor back to life and would have caused a zombie plague that would have been beyond the Obliviator’s ability to keep secret. For that she should be commended, no matter how accidental the discovery was — she still had to out think and out fight the cultists involved.
◊ As to your question on the animal sightings, I can state categorically that if she has found a Crumpled Horned Snorkack at the ritual site, she has never brought it to work with her.
HJP

Tommy King

Internal Memo
From	Quarter Master
To	Major Potter
Please accept Acting Private Weasley back from secondment to my office, he has been here for two days and I have had four staff go off sick due to mental stress, the department elves however are in hogs heaven as they reckon it will take two months of twelve hour shifts to undo the damage Private Weasley has inflicted on our accounting and stock control.

Memo	Re: Snacks at DMLE meetings
To	Major H. Potter
From	MoM Catering Service
Please for the love of all things food get that man away from us.
We most humbly apologies for previous email and will, with immediate effect, resume supply to all DMLE staff meetings. Please inform all appropriate staff.
You have our deepest and most sincere respect for being able to abide that man’s table manners. We humbly beg your forgiveness for this transgression and understand that you were simply doing the rest of the MoM a favour by keeping him away from the rest of us so that we may eat.
We are now most understanding of the odd double orders to every meeting, We assume this is so everyone else can get some while that.. that… vacuum is distracted with the first. If this is somehow not the case then we shall of course be happy to assist our brave officers in the line of duty with specialist food services so that they may eat.
Please.
We beg you.
Anything.
Name it, it’s yours.
The Catering Staff of the MoM.

Loop (II)

Lord of Bones

Note: Yeah, I was on a Four Horsemen kick. This references the previous drabble, where Harry looped with one of the seven fragments of Shabranigdu, demon-god of the Red Orb, sleeping in him, but there’s nothing beyond that.

Harry yawned and lifted his head from the pillow, his eyes still closed. Mechanically, the Master of Death checked himself, noting the loss of the Horcrux within him and the torpid form of his demonic tenant. A slight sniff of the air told him he was in Grimmauld Place, which meant…

Bugger, I’m fifteen again, he grumbled, opening his eyes and checking the calender.

August 30^th.

Two days till school started.

As jaded as Harry was, the prospect of living out one of his worst years still made him twitch. Then again, when you’d conquered the world at least twice, been a benevolent saint-figure, a Dark Lord far beyond all others, the greatest sorcerer to ever live, a god in all but name, a Minister of Magic, and had successfully boinked every attractive eligible witch in Europe; the prospect of redoing the school years would’v made you twitch as well.

Personally, Harry just wanted to screw with people.

I’ve been hanging around Ranma and Lina waaay too long, he thought wryly.

Then a smile crossed his face.

Fifth year meant Umbridge.

And Snape.

And Dumbledore.

He had the perfect plan already.

With a little skip in his step, he left the room and headed to the kitchen; pausing out of reflex to give a passing Hermione’s arse a playful squeeze — causing a stammered squeak and an atomic blush — and deliviring a firm spank to Tonks’ toned backside — getting a shocked yelp in the process.

Old habits were hard to break, after all.

Two days later.

Dolores Umbridge surveyed the Great Hall, a saccharinely sweet smile on her features as she privately planned out how to best continue Minister Fudge’s agenda. The dumpy woman immediately noticed a gap between a voraciously eating, distinctively redheaded boy and a bushy-haired brunette girl, the latter of which was throwing the empty seat worried looks. A frown quickly fled her face as she contemplated the gap — obviously the Potter boy had left to spread more of his insidious lies.

Her gaze turned to the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy raised a goblet in tribute. She smiled at him in return — such an upstanding young example of the pureblood culture he was! The Undersecretary’s eyes narrowed slightly at some of the disdainful looks tossed at the Malfoy heir by his own housemates… she’d expected the Zabini boy and the Greengrass and Davis girls to know better than to act so diffidently against an upstanding individual like young Draco. No matter, if Malfoy decided he wanted to ‘discipline’ them, she’d be more than happy to help; and even happier if he decided to remind Potter’s mudblood of her place…

Then the doors burst open, the resounding slam echoing in the sudden silence of the hall as students and teachers alike turned to see the cause of the disturbance. Even Ron stopped eating.

A chill mist flowed in; a noxious, hissing wave of frigid air that froze the lifeblood of every living creature in the room. It suddenly became horribly, horribly cold. Then they heard the steady trot of a stallion, and an apparition rose from the mists; its skeletal form as pale as snow. The great thestral’s eyes were a chilling shade of blue as it walked unimpeded throught the thick miasma, bearing its dark rider with a sort of malevolent dignity.

Robed and hooded in deepest black, the rider’s features were hidden beneath the reaches of his cowl. A steady hand held the reins of the thestral, while its shadowed gaze pierced the room. Around the rider, the lamentations of a thousand damned souls echoed in the Great Hall as a sort of grim symphony.

In the middle of the Hall, the rider dismounted, a shade of black against pristine white. The mornful toll of a bell began to resound about the chamber.

Dumbledore stood up, ready to greet the rider.

The rider spoke.

Come!

With ethereal shrieks, the ghosts of Hogwarts found themselves bound before the rider; their eyes wide and fearful. A trembling Peeves spoke up, P-please, Your Worshipfullness… Peevsie was-

No. I have been lenient far too long.

The rider held up a hand, where an orb of billowing shadows gathered and expanded, into a great black staff capped with silver. A small, smooth blade extended from the top, its opposite side dominated by a wickedly-curved silver blade.

Death’s scythe.

The Reaper swung.

And there was silence.

Leaving behind nothing but empty air, the spectre of Death glided across the floor, the mournful dirge intensifying with each step. The grim form seemed to ignore the terrified curiosity the students eyed him with, content to travel at his own pace. Passing by the Slytherin table, the shade seemed to pause behind a trembling Tracey Davis. The lithe blonde whimpered as she felt the cold warmth beside her, just as the fabric of the entity’s robe sleeve brushed past her slightly.

The hand was pointed at a white Draco Malfoy.

I will greet you soon, child of ill faith.

A statement. Nothing more, nothing less. The acrid stench of urine and fecal matter was prevalent as Draco fainted.

Dumbledore, Snape and Umbridge rose; questions, accusations and condemnations at their lips.

Then the mournful toll of the bells grew louder.

Ask not for whom the bells toll! The cold, graven echo of the Reaper’s voice thundered. They toll for thee!

What could only be described as gigantic wings rose from Death’s back, neither feathered nor scaled but someting defying description. The wraith seemed to loom over the Head Table, scythe glittering as he seemed to stare at the Undersecretary, Headmaster and Potions Master.

We have come for you, damned sinners!

’We?’ was the question on everyone’s lips.

Then they heard hoofbeats.

From a pillar of darkest red, a red thestral leapt out, hooves and wings burning with red-hot flame. Its eyes were the red of war, and its rider was armored and cloaked in crimson, a massive greatsword in one gauntleted fist. He wore no helm, and all could recognize the face of James Potter, albeit with a far crueler visage. The red rider dismounted, just as a mind-numbingly beautiful young woman — pale in all but her blood-red hair and lips — descended beside him on wings of molten gold. Lily Potter resembled nothing less than a valkyrie as she moulded herself to her husband’s armored frame, his strong arm looping over her shoulder.

Severus Snape went white as the couple neared him. NO! NO! You’re dead! He promised I would have you but you’re dead!

The couple didn’t break step.

Murderer.

Monster.

You betrayed me.

You betrayed your debt to me.

You betrayed my baby.

Traitor.

From the mists yet another rider came, on a thestral of saintly white. A robe and crown he wore, a coldly arrogant expression on his face. Gellert Grindelwald dismounted, his gaze on a stunned Dumbledore.

Impossible, breathed the Headmaster.

You left me to rot, Albus. You have forsaken our kinship. You have ruined all that we worked for.

The last rider appeared; an emaciated woman riding a black thestral. In her hands were a pair of perfectly-balanced scales. Mutely she glared at Dumbledore, a thousand accusations in her gaze.

A-Ariana! stammered the old wizard in horror.

It is finished, said Death, drawing back his scythe to swing. Snape, still babbling nonsense and excuses, could do nothing as the cold gaze of his emerald-eyed obsession speared him, her slim hand wrapping around James’ fist and raising the greatsword in tandem. Gellert’s wand rose.

Down came the scythe.

The students and teachers of Hogwarts blinked as one, looking around as though they had just woken up from a dream. The mists and riders were gone.

Only Snape, Dumbledore and Umbridge stood still. Tears and nasal mucus dripped down Snape’s face as he babbled denials and accusations to nothingness, Dumbledore was staring into space, and Umbridge… was curled up in the foetal position while sucking her thumb in pure terror.

Outside the castle, Harry reviewed his mental checklist while whistling merrily. Awaken Hermione’s kinky side, check; shag Tonks’ brains’ out, check; drive Moody batshit crazy, check; flirt with Fleur in front of the Weasleys, check; trick the Dursleys into thinking the neighbours were giant sentient cockroaches, check; revenge on Snape, Dumbledore and Umbridge, check…

As he made his way back up to the castle, Harry idly shelved the rest of his plans, to be continued the next day. He made a mental note to make sure Hermione’s bed hangings were wide-open tonight, though… speaking from experience, all the plans and pranks in the world still couldn’t hold a candle to Lavender and Parvati’s voyeuristic tendencies.

greenzxz

I’m attempting to move away from Ron bashing and overly bashing in general.

Memo	Incident Report
From	Major Harry J. Potter
To	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
RE	Puddlemere Pitch Incident
◊ Was called to mediate disturbance on Puddlemere United Qudditch Pitch after the Puddlemere-Holyhead match. One Angelina Johnson, starting chaser Puddlemere, and one Katie Bell, starting chaser Holyhead, were causing a disruption attempting to compare who was the better chaser of the match.
◊ Fortunately, Training Sergeant Alicia Spinnet, Healer Hermione Potter-Granger, and myself were attending the match. In order to prevent a fan riot, I determined that the fastest course of action was to apparate the three of us down to the pitch and cover us all under a Notice-Me-Not charm.
◊ Sergeant Spinnet immediately set out mediating the two Quidditch players, apparently an old hand in the area. She worked on the points that Ms. Johnson presented first, applying pressure on all sides. Seeing the calming effect, Ms. Potter-Granger and myself performed similar techniques upon Ms. Bell, to great success. Both Ms. Johnson and Ms. Bell had four major points to cover, but Sergeant Spinnet, Ms. Potter-Granger, and myself threw everything we had at them, and we were able to apply proper amounts of attention to ensure release of built up tension.
◊ Their initial ire now having been diverted, Ms. Johnson and Ms. Bell attempted to present orally their arguments for superiority, using hand gestures to punctuate their statements with great effect. Ms. Potter-Granger succumbed to their energies first, and they then double-teamed Sergeant Spinnet. Fortunately, when they focused upon myself, I managed to resist their capable orations until Ms. Potter-Granger and Sergeant Spinnet recovered.
◊ At this time we managed to convince Ms. Johnson and Ms. Bell to compromise and to discuss their own advantages. Ms. Johnson is superior at deep penetrating tactics, whereas Ms. Bell is superior in flanking maneuvers and assaulting all sides at once. Ms. Bell is better able to swallow a hard and deep offense, the type that Ms. Johnson tends to choke on. However, Ms. Johnson functions better while outnumbered, whereas Ms. Bell becomes too distracted to perform any sort of counter-attack.
◊ The five of us then proceeded to demonstrate those strengths and to work on weaknesses for the next few hours, a testament to the excellent conditioning of Ms. Bell and Ms. Johnson.
◊ On a related note, I have also investigated claims of female ghosts moaning and screaming on the Puddlemere Pitch. Have found no evidence of such.
P.S. Sorry you missed it, was really impromptu kind of thing. We asked you to come to more games, didn’t we?

Hogwarts Calendar

Lord of Bones

The Department of Mysteries was many, many things.

Its public facade is rather simple — it’s simply a magical research department tasked with holding prophecies, semi-sentient brain things, investigating magical astronomy and holding the recipe for the male Malfoy line’s famously tough hair gel. Under the surface, however, the Department of Mysteries is responsible for the investigation and disposal of Lower Planar creatures, intelligence and counter-intelligence operations, esoteric magical research, magical archaeology and dealing with creatures and beings that Man Was Not Supposed To Know. It also boasted a staff of necromancers, demonologists, battle-wizards, explorers, infiltrators, a Black-Ops Division and a golemcrafter who specialized in bipolar female models.

In short, the Department of Mysteries was staffed by a bunch of whackjob nutcases with serious mental issues and delusions of sanity; the end result being the Department most responsible for mass destruction of civil property, including a memorable incident involving the Annihilation of an entire city block, including six legal offices, a broom salesman’s dealership and Cornelius Fudge’s favourite sandwich deli.

Of course, that meant that Heads of the DoM were required to have Balls of Steel, an ability to strike mortal terror into the hearts of his employees with a glance, and a healthy bullshit tolerance.

The same applied to its current Head, who was currently enjoying his vacation.

Somewhere in his upper-class penthouse apartment, protected from the sweltering June heat, Harry sipped his morning tea and relaxed, letting all the tension that had built up flow out from him. Six years of dealing with psychotic lackeys, a secretary with an explosion fetish, Division Heads with aspirations of sanity and a hellhound named Bob (he was never letting Luna name anything again) generally required a great deal of mental and physical fitness — and an extremely high stress tolerance.

It helped that Kingsley’s Undersecretary never sent him paperwork anymore — for one thing, Harry wasn’t a desk man, and secondly, the last time Ernie had attempted to unload paperwork on him, the pompous wizard had been found rocking back-and-forth and gibbering to himself in the Minister’s office, along with a tendency to wet his pants at the sight of the colour green.

He also fainted at the sight of spatulas.

Harry smiled at the memory. Good times, those.

Then his face soured slightly. Being away from his Department meant that there was a very high probability he’d return to find his secretary smiling sheepishly, an Unspeakable babbling about ‘Art’s a blast!’ and a smoking crater where the Ministry building used to be.

Or, even worse, Percy trying to ‘regulate’ the DoM.

Harry shuddered.

Still, this was a time to relax and ignore the prospective migraines he’d have to face when he returned to see his subordinates’ handiwork. Hermione, thank her tight little arse, had promised to check in on his Department every so often, just in case.

In any case, it was time to rel — THUMP!

Harry looked up at the six-foot stack of letters, parchment and parcels Kreacher deposited in front of him. What’s all this?

Kreacher smiled proudly. Master’s mail from the past two months. Kreacher’s been keeping them since Master’s never had the time to sort through them. Kreacher has also disposed of all nasty curse-letters for Master’s sake — filthy little scum should know better than to attack Kreacher’s Master!

Harry looked up… and up… and up, and felt all his vacation plans come tumbling down.

Kreacher’s sorted the latest mail at the bottom, added the elf.

Junk.

Bill.

Junk.

Invitation to the Ministerial Ball… junk.

First row seats at next five Holyhead Harpies’ games, courtesy of Angelina, Alicia and Katie… Kreacher, clear all my appointments for the next five consecutive Saturdays.

Yes, Master.

Where was I? Right, junk.

Bill.

Howler from Molly… That’s the fifth one in four months.

Does Master wish for Kreacher to deal with that? asked the old house-elf eagerly. Harry gave him a long, searching stare.

Err… .No Kreacher, that won’t be necessary, he said slowly. The elf sighed in disappointment, then vanished as his master waved him off. Harry went back to his mail-categorizing, finally reaching the end of the pile with a relieved sigh.

Then he raised an eyebrow. The Hogwarts Harem Seasonal Calendar ‘03, for the exclusive use of Master Unspeakable Harry James Potter? he muttered incredulously, checking for the yet-unnamed sender.

It was anonymously sent.

Cautiously, Harry checked for debilitating spells — in his line of work, paranoia paid large dividends. Satisfied with his appraisal, he carefully unwrapped the parcel, noting with some amused incredulity at the way the Hogwarts crest blended with his initials.

The unwrapped parcel was roughly the size of a large wall calendar, though it had no binding or attached hook or band. Displayed prominently on the first cover, in large golden letters, was the word ‘SUMMER’, written in elegant cursive script on a deep-red background. Curious, Harry flipped open the cover.

And choked.

There was the expected June calendar, true, but the large picture directly over the collection of dates had his mouth watering.

Standing in what appeared to be a large, sunny meadow with a glistening stream, Hermione smiled warmly at him, wearing little more than a white sundress. The material of her clothes, combined with the way the sun was blazing, proved that her outfit wasn’t really much of an outfit at all. The brunette’s thick, curly locks fell gracefully over her shoulders, yet did nothing to obstruct the view of her shapely breasts, each capped with a dusky-pink nipple. Harry’s gaze raked further down, past her flat stomach, to the small, thin strip of brown curls between her thighs. He lingered there for a few moments, as though committing it to memory, before continuing his visual exploration down her slender legs. If nothing else, the picture proved that Hermione went for full-body tans. The witch turned around and bent over to take something, revealing her supple arse, before standing up to reveal a paperback novel held in her hand.

Despite himself, Harry chuckled.

Then it hit him that his best friend had just sent him a naked photograph of her, and his mind blanked out. Numbly, he flipped the page.

July.

Wearing a powder-blue bikini with a pair of sunglasses perched on her crown, Lavender Brown stretched on a deckchair; the droplets of water cascading down her voluptuous frame showing that she’d just left the swimming pool next to her. Her lips curved into a coy smile as the blonde’s long hair was tossed over her shoulder, falling down her front yet doing nothing to obscure the fact that her bikini-top had been untied, revealing her large, firm, pink-nippled breasts. The witch’s glistening, pale skin glowed with health, Harry noted absently as his eyes skimmed down Lavender’s toned belly to the neatly trimmed inverted triangle of fine golden curls directly above her quim. The blonde’s legs were teasingly crossed, providing little more than a look at her statuesque limbs but hiding everything else.

Harry made a strangled sound from the back of his throat as his fingers tightened around the edge of the calendar; every bit of his considerable willpower clamping down on his libido. With a trembling hand, he turned to August.

Through dark lashes, Parvati smiled shyly at him from her seat on the railing of a Hindu palace. The exotic witch’s black hair was gathered into a lustrous braid, while her neck, arms and slender legs were decorated with a golden choker, silver-and-gold bangles and jewelled anklets. A dupatta of red silk was wrapped snugly around her, showcasing her perky breasts and their erect dark nipples. Harry noted, with a slight gulp, that the pretty witch had divested herself of her pubic hair (at least, as far as he could tell), revealing acres of bare dark skin.

Keeping his finger on the page as a mark, Harry closed his eyes and slowly counted backwards from one hundred. Satisfied with keeping down his libido, he flipped the calendar’s page to reveal the word ‘AUTUMN’ cast in deep bronze on a dark blue background.

He had an inkling about what was behind the page.

He was right.

September’s photo was of Padma, leaning against an ancient temple’s railing as a large tree in the early stages of autumn dominated the background. The exotic witch was virtually identical to her twin, save that her dupatta was a midnight-blue while her adornments were silver and bronze. Surprisingly, the former Ravenclaw’s expression was somewhat sultry — accentuated by the way her dark, unbound locks framed her face.

Harry had a sudden mental picture of Padma and Parvati enjoying themselves in a manner that would send those easily-terrorized bigoted old buzzards in the Wizengamot offices into permanent comas. He filed that particular mental image for further… pondering.

He flipped the page.

Penelope Clearwater smiled cheerfully at him from a her seat of a fallen log, in a starry glade surrounded by pine. A cauldron bubbled cheerfully next to her, illuminating the pretty witch in its glow. The blonde’s curly hair framed her red-lipped, heart-shaped face as a pointed witch’s hat was perched rakishly on her head. In celebration of Halloween, the witch was clad in a gauzy robe of black satin, parted in the middle to reveal a great deal of her round breasts yet completely — but not efficiently — hiding her nipples. The tiny tuft of curls above her otherwise-bare quim was testament to Penny’s natural hair colour, and Harry had to tear his eyes away from the attractive Correspondent’s long legs to examine the broom she was handling.

It was a Firebolt.

Harry made a tight groaning sound at the way the witch’s fingers stroked the wooden shaft and quickly flipped the page.

November’s witch was Lisa Turpin. The Runemistress’s straight, honey-brown hair was a contrast to Hermione’s darker curls and was pulled back in a loose ponytail, while a friendly smirk tugged at her lips. A long blue scarf stitched with the Ravenclaw eagle was wrapped loosely around her graceful neck, trailing around her svelte frame like a coiling serpent. The witch’s arms were folded under her caramel-nippled breasts, accentuating their firm shape, while the scarf wrapped loosely around her trim stomach. Harry’s eye’s widened fractionally at the bare skin above Lisa’s hidden twat, shielded by the fact that the witch had one foot in front of the other. Brownish-gold leaves swept around her slim frame, accentuating the season’s influence.

It was with a dry mouth, straining boxers and white-knuckled hands that Harry turned the page. In silver letters, the word ‘WINTER’ was written in the same cursive script as the previous season marks, save that it was on an emerald-green background.

December’s frame boasted the slender form of Tracey Davis, leaning against the frame of a merrily crackling hearth. The pale blonde’s smile was mischieviously friendly and inviting; her hair unbound and falling free along the elegant plane of her back. In a tribute to Christmas, the grey-eyed witch wore a tight top of red satin, buttoned only at between her pert breasts. The slender woman’s trim midriff was bare, while a tiny skirt of red satin with a white trim nestled snugly over her hips and ended barely over the tops of her thighs. Thigh-high, high-heeled boots of red leather completed the witch’s ‘Ms. Claus’ outfit.

Harry made a note to stop by Tracey’s house on Christmas. He flipped the page.

Reclining on a thick silver-trimmed Slytherin-green cloak and wearing an unbuttoned thigh-length fur coat of that colour, Daphne Greengrass was January’s coverwitch. The beautiful Slytherin’s long, wavy black locks tumbled around her creamy shoulders, offsetting her pale skin and smirking red lips. The witch’s full breasts were each capped by an erect, rose-pink nipple while a red-nailed hand draped itself across her flat stomach. Harry choked as his eyes roved along the witch’s bare body, immediately homing in on the thin, lightning-bolt shaped strip of black curls crowning Daphne’s quim — shielded only by the strategic positioning of the witch’s legs.

That was an interesting way of showing her interest, to be sure.

The last of winter’s witches was Pansy Parkinson, who’d shielded many of the Light’s wounded and children during the War. Relaxing in a hot-tub, the short-haired brunette’s skin was somewhat darker than her fellow Slytherin’s — a sign of having Spanish blood somewhere in her ancestory. The witch’s hand held a goblet of wine as she leaned against the edge of her tub, her eyes closed in sheer bliss. Dark nipples peeked shyly out of the water’s surface; though the rest of her body was obscured by the water, the long, lean dancer’s leg stretching out of the bath gave testament to Pansy’s shapely frame.

It was with a sense of regret that Harry turned to the last season. Deep onyx was Spring’s colour, on a bright yellow background.

March’s witch was a surprise.

Nymphadora Tonks had a cocky, cheerful grin on her face, favoring her usual bright pink hair. Unlike all the others, Tonks had elected to brazenly appear fully nude, proudly showing off the trim, athletic tones of her body. The Auror stretched, giving Harry an eyeful of her perky rack while drawing attention to the subtle interplay of lean muscle across the witch’s body. The Metamorphmagus had styled her pink pubic curls into a cute heart-shape, drawing Harry’s eye to it before roaming down to her slender, toned legs. Still wearing that cocky smile, the Auror spun around and looked over her shoulder, playfully smacking her firm, heart-shaped bum.

Harry had a sudden urge to have a peach.

April boasted the vivacious, blonde Hannah Abbot. Wearing what appeared to be a scandalously short (in both ways) barmaid’s apron, the blonde’s hair was pulled into two long braids that tumbled over her shoulders and past the milky skin of her breasts. Balancing a platter of beer tankards in one hand, the bubbly witch appeared both shy and delighted… especially since some of the beer had splashed on her apron and showed just how ‘delighted’ she really was. Although the apron covered most of Hannah’s torso, the witch’s slender legs were left bare for all to see. Making a mental note to stop by at the Leaky Cauldron soon, Harry turned the page.

And got an eyeful.

The smiling Susan Bones wore a modified version of the standard Auror’s outfit — modified in that it was short, thin, slinky and unbuttoned. The busty redhead’s large, proud rack was gravity-defying, crowned with hard, puffy nipples. Toned muscle melded with lush curves, drawing Harry’s gaze from Susan’s most ‘outstanding attributes’, down to her trim belly and curvy hips. A trimmed triangle of reddish-gold curls was testament to Susan being a natural redhead. Her Auror badge was bound to a black garter, perched teasingly around her feminine thigh. Behind the Auror, the spring flowers were in full bloom.

The last page would’ve been blank, if not for the listing of floo and Department addresses for each ‘model’. His face expressionless, Harry slowly closed the calender and stood up.

Kreacher, clear my vacation schedule. I’ve got some seasons to enjoy.

The puzzled elf entered, nodded and watched as his boxer-and-shirt-clad Master step into the Floo and vanish in a swirl of green fire.

Weeks later…

Where’re you off to, Boss?

I’m calling it a night, Richards.

THAT brought the entire Department of Mysteries to a screeching halt as wide-eyed Unspeakables watched their boss apparate away.

Mr. Potter, not putting in overtime?!

At least six Unspeakables crashed to their knees in terrified prayer. The rest began looking for a bunker to hide from the imminent Apocalypse.

One fellow actually began weeping in undiluted terror.

Elsewhere, Harry had a rather… different opinion than his subordinates. With his witches already pulling him to the bedroom, and several eager hands and mouths already working at his clothes and face, he had only one thought.

Best. Vacation. Ever.

Eewec Ourbyni

Memo	MoM Canteen
To	All DMLE Staff
From	Major H. Potter
◊ Following the MoM Canteen fiasco Acting Private Weasley has been obliviated of the location to the MoM Canteen. However, it appears that the knowledge has somehow become part of his subconsious mind and he has been found wandering the halls near to the entrance to said location.
◊ Please be aware that any DMLE officer who manages to successfully guide Acting Private Weasley away from the area will be rewarded by the Canteen staff on their next visit. It is advisable however to work in a team.
◊ As an aside Auror Pinket is currently doing well in St Mungos and the Healers say she should be back with us within the month… hopefully. Mention of Blancmange in Auror Pinkets hearing on her return will be frowned on, heavily.
◊ Please also be advised, the DoM has set aside a sizable financial allocation to fund research into just how Acting Private Weasley has retained the information re the location of the Canteen after so many focused attempts to remove the knowledge. As such Acting Private Weasley is being attached to the DoM as an ‘aide’ to ‘help’ in their research. Following on from this, anyone finding Acting Private Weasley outside the DoM without an unspeakable as escort should contact the DoM immediately.
◊ A secondary fund has also been set aside to fund research into just how he keeps getting out.

Tommy King

	Addendum to report on Acting Private Weasley.
Transferred Weasley to QM Department, sent back by QM two days later with comment saying that stores would be closed for two months to allow shelves to be reorganised.

Brian64

Auto-quill engage. Start writing. Begin. Startup… Hey, Hermione, how do I get this stupid thing to work it’s… Oh, there it goes. I wonder what was wrong with it before?

It waits until it has at least a full line’s worth before it starts writing, just in case you want to take back something you’ve said.

So what are we doing now?

Perfomance evaluation reports.

Bloo- alright, who’s first?

Ron.

<laughs> No seriously. Who’s up?

Ron.

Doesn’t he need to actually do something, you know… ‘perform’ before he can be ‘evaluated’?

Apparently not. He’s up for review.

Can’t you do it? Please…

If I do this, then I won’t do that other thing you like me to do with my tongue…

Really? Right, well bugger that then, I’m doing this myself. Okay, let’s see now…

Private Weasley… His performance rating is unbelievable. I saw his self appraisal, and really, it isn’t to be believed.

There’s a saying amongst the Muggles. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for the rest of his life. Those Muggles never met Ron. Give him a fish and he’ll eat it and then look for the next fish while complaining about the lack of meat on the first fish… teach him to fish, and he’ll stare at the rod, then try to bash the water hoping to hit fish over the head with it, then when that doesn’t work he’ll yell at the water, then the rod, and then he’ll try to Reducto the fish out of the water before tripping into the lake and nearly drowning himself. Just give him a bloody fish next time!

I rate his wand skills as an O. As in ‘Oh my God, who let that idiot have a wand?’

Ron’s contribution to the department ensures there are never any food scraps at the end of meal breaks, and speaking of food… If we ever get attacked by brain-eating zombies, he’s my secret weapon! He’s guaranteed to be safe and will ensure they all starve to death.

Apparently the reason I have to keep him here is to balance out my Department’s ‘Bell curve’.

That’s right Harry!

Shh, don’t stop now, dammit! I’m doing this stupid report aren’t I? Can you get back to… Oh yeaaaaaaah!

Where was I? Oh yeah, So in summary, if you’re looking for someone to balance out your bell curves, Weasley is totally outstanding and will do the job of any three other similarly skilled aurors.

Oh, here’s an important safety tip! Never let Weasley wear gold or speak in the third person, or you’ll probably be forced to kill him, and he’s got more lives than Kenny.

Right, that’ll have to do. Quill off. Quill stop. Disengage. Exit. End dicta… dictashun… huhhuhuhuhh, Oh God, Hermione! Herm…

<Quill error: unable to discern recognisable speech. Please correct manually>

… I’m just going to lie here for a bit, Hermione. Okay?

Sure, Harry? Oh, and the command you were looking for is; ‘end report’.

Tommy King

Memo	Medical Report on Acting Private Weasley
From	Healer Pansy Malfoy
To	Major Harry J. Potter
◊ After much observation and evaluation we have concluded that Weasley has managed to Obliviate himself due to a wand malfunction. It would appear that all instruction on wand polishing had been interpreted by Weasley as sexual innuendo, physical examination found burns caused by the chemicals in Mrs. Wiley’s Wicked Wand Wax on Acting Private Weasley’s privates.
p.s. Draco is away on business for the next three days and I have just taken delivery of that peanut butter you are so fond of
p.p.s. Daphne Zabini and Astoria Nott are visiting for the next three days.

tas_burfoot

Leave Request	Medical (Form L10034a)
Submitted by	Healer Pansy Malfoy
To	Major Harry J. Potter
I will be out of the office this week recovering from last weeks vigorous training and workouts. Standing and/or walking to make my rounds and attend patients is uncomfortable to the point of distraction and sitting while filing reports is impossible.
— Pansy
p.s. Astoria said you owe her as the peanut butter still won’t come out.
p.p.s Daph says she is still finding it in places she didn’t know you could get peanut butter.

greenzxz

Things don’t work out as well as Hermione would’ve liked…

Memo	Calendar Abuse
To	Susan Bones, Tracey Davis, Gabrielle Delacour, Pansy Malfoy, Padma Patil, Parvati Patil, Fleur Weasley, Penelope Weasley, Daphne Zabini
From	Hermione Potter-Granger
It has come to my attention that giving you all a magical Personal Digital Assistant device was not the best of ideas, especially giving you all lusty wenches access to my husband’s appointment calendar.
Thus, I’m implementing some rules. Someone breaking them will be denied invites to future Potter Weekly Parties for a period of at least a month.
Pansy, Daphne: In light of your recent abuses of the system, you two are NOT allowed to add events until I have approved them. You will find that your system now accesses my calendar where I have now reserved free time on my schedule to give you opportunities to persuade me. For the rest of you, I have put in a place a rule where the total number of your events in any given 48 hour period is at most 6 hours. Fleur, Gabrielle: My husband is superhuman, but even he cannot handle two Veela for eight hours straight! I can’t blame any of you for the last week’s Chaser Trio incident, but all of you must provide the appropriate stamina potions, otherwise how am I going to get my fill? No cheating the system! Just coincidentally showing up at someone else’s appointment is no longer allowed. All of you showed up at the private massage I had planned! Susan, Penelope: In the spirit of Rule (C), you should place your professional appointments with Harry on the list as well. As you two may need to interact with Harry more often in a professional manner, your restriction under Rule (A) is raised to 12 hours, but I remind you that I will find out if you abuse your privilege.
These rules shall stand until noted otherwise. Following the rules may encourage me to ease restrictions for you as well.

Tommy King

Memo	Diplomatic Protocol Training
To	Major H. Potter
From	Instructor Parvati Patil
The Protocol Training session has had to be cancelled due to unforseen circumstances. The first part of the training went well and the banqueting hall was scanned and declared safe. Acting Squad Leader Bones then set guards both inside and outside the doors, unfortunately she posted Acting Private Weasley inside the hall. When we went to serve the meal we discovered all twelve courses for twenty people had been eaten by Acting Private Weasley, he is now in the Medical Bay having his stomach pumped.
p.s. Padma and self will be home alone tonight.

growlith382000

From	Quartermaster Hung Ree
To	Captain Potter
Subject	Acting Private Weasley
Sir, the ordering plates in the officer’s mess have to be rethought. Someone told Private Weasley how they worked and he’s barred himself in the mess shouting Cake at the plates, We suspect that it has something to do with all the keys dissapearing and Weasley walking around with his new shiney things on that sack truck.

Loop

Lord of Bones

Note: This was my contribution to an ongoing thread over in TFF where the main characters of the Star Wars, HP, Slayers, Ranma, Bleach and Naruto (each in their respective forums) are stuck in a time loop with no boundaries; where they retain their power and skill… and use them for shits and giggles after being stuck in a continuous sequence of time loops. Only Harry’s looping here.

There were many things Harry Potter had learned during his time looping.

There were the relatively minor things, of course: how to drive a part-Veela into a sexual frenzy just by touching a pressure point; how to drive your friends and enemies insane just by smiling all the time; how to gain a faithful, loving and kinky harem of witches in three easy steps; and how to screw over old men with god complexes were just the tip of the iceberg.

Then there were the major things, things such as how buttering up Lina Inverse really, really paid off and how having a fragment of the source of all Black Magic inside you wasn’t really such a bad thing.

Harry grinned.

Barely five feet away, Voldemort’s reptilian eyes narrowed. You mock me, boy?! snarled the snakelike wizard, raising his wand.

What was your first clue, Tom? sniped Harry, letting go of his wand and letting it fall, much to the shock of all who were watching.

You actually believe you can beat me with wandless magic? Voldemort’s tone was incredulous.

Damn right.

Arrogant lout! spat the Dark Lord.

Harry simply smiled and raised his hands skyward, noticing the arrival of the Light forces. What are you doing, Harry?! gasped Dumbledore. Hermione wrung her hands, a tearful look on her face; while Snape sneered contempously. The other members of the Order were just as varied in their reactions.

Voldemort’s eyes glittered. His wand rose.

Heed me, thou who art darker than dark!

Darkness and crimson power flared in Harry’s hands.

Thou who art as crimson as flowing blood!

Harry’s grin grew wider as the orb between his hands began to crackle.

What is this nonsense?! roared Voldemort.

Buried in flowing time, in thy great name…

Jolts of power ran up Harry’s spine as he drank in the look of incredulity on Voldemort’s face and the stunned shock on the Order members’.

Here I pledge myself to darkness!

I accept your pledge, thundered the voice of Shabranigdu in Harry’s mind. Do not disappoint me.

At last, Voldemort began casting his own spell. Avada Kedavra! howled the wizard, only to do a double-take as the ray of emerald death was consumed by the howling vortex of power that was the fledgling spell.

To the fools who stand in our way, merge your strength and mine…

Voldemort’s face was now one of frozen fear.

Deliver equal doom to all!! Dragon Slave!

Ruby-Eye’s spell roared out, a blast of pure dark power derived from the Lord of Evil himself, leaving behind nothing but a crater several hundred feel wide as Voldemort and all his followers were consumed in the explosion of dark sorcerous might.

Harry turned around and smiled. How was that?! he whooped.

There was a ‘thud’ as three-quarters of the entire Order fainted.

La Blue Wizard OMAKE

Lord of Bones

Inspired by an offhand comment by canoncansodoff regarding Molly in the La Blue Wizardverse.
WARNING: Shikima. Tentacles. Prehensile, shapeshifting tentacles. Also, the page reference isn’t to anything specific, just to some of Molly’s more… adult reading material. This is also somewhat lacking in humor. Mindless porn, too.

Editor’s Note: La Blue Wizard by canoncansodoff can be found at his portal page. Check the Links section.

Molly Weasley strode confidently through the halls of her new Domain™, pausing every so often to inspect (or frown disapprovingly) at every random speck of dust, portrait or suspiciously-naughty looking piece of fruit.

There was also the small hindrance of her new Domain™ still having its owners, but a paltry thing like ownership had never stopped Molly Weasley. Despite James Potter vetoing any attempt made by Dumbledore to allow boarding in the Potter ancestral home, the Weasley matriarch still made it a point to attempt to assume matriarchal duties over the Potter household — much to Lily Potter’s continued irritation.

Nia and Morgan now made it a point to hide in their mother’s Charms laboratory whenever Molly stopped by.

But, as said before, prior ownership had never bothered Molly.

Neither had privacy.

Which explained why she was peeking into each and every room she’d encountered thus far, giving suspicious glances to those which were locked and thus suspected of harbouring items and tools of Wrong-Doing.

Dastardly things, those items and tools of Wrong-Doing.

Regardless, between her unwarranted detective work and daydreams about getting her precious younger son together with the Girl-Who-Lived, Molly Weasley still had time to pick out what she considered to be ‘irregularities’.

And one such irregularity caused her to stop her patrol and swivel around; an auditory system honed by years of enduring the Twins’ pranks going haywire.

It was a noise. Not a very loud or distinctive noise, but a noise all the same.

Cautiously, Molly followed the noise; all the while attempting to tiptoe her way to the source — one of the larger rooms on the second floor.

The noises were getting louder.

Very, very slowly, Molly haltingly opened the (surprisingly unlocked) door.

She peeked through the small opening she’d made, fully intending to slam the door open and release the fury of a thousand jobless housewives upon the hapless inhabitants should she discover any evidence of Wrong-Doing™.

Then her eyes went wide with shock.

There were tentacles. Not octopi tentacles, but long, thick, lashing whips of prehensile flesh; each tapering into a bulbous head; but that took a backseat to what was really happening in the room. The Weasley matriarch barely made out the five figures visible on the vast crimson bedspread.

On the farthest edge closest to the doorway was the reclining, nude form of Hermione Granger; a look of blissful exhaustion on her pretty features. Thick white ropes of cum were splattered over her mouth and full breasts, while hot spunk still dripped from between her thighs. One hand reached down past the tight trimmed curls above her quim, dampening her fingers with the combined stickiness of her juices and her lover’s cum. A thick tentacle attended to her, snaking its way between her breasts as she closed her eyes and engulfed the bulbous head with her hot mouth.

Towards the center, the bright pink and elegant silver of Nymphadora Tonks and Fleur Delacour’s tresses were easily visible as the two older women writhed amongst the appendages attending to them. The perky, athletic Auror was all on fours, a tentacle thrusting into her mouth while another speared her tight, dripping pussy. Muffled squeals of delight were noticeable — the cause being a tentacle that had morphed into a paddle-like shape and was currently delivering powerful swats to Tonks’ firm arse with each thrust of the shagging tentacle.

Fleur, on the other hand, was in a straddling position as twin appendages plunged directly into her twat and arse. The beautiful part-Veela had a look of desperate pleasure on her face; delivering loud cries and moans as the tentacles rhythmically had their way with her. The silver-blonde’s gravity-defying breasts bounced with each thust, even as two other tentacles took turns with claiming Fleur’s skilled mouth and stroking fingers.

But what truly stunned Molly was in the center — the source of the tentacles.

The demonic form of Harry Potter bounced the Girl-Who-Lived on his lap; his massive cock buried deep in Daphne’s wet and willing twat. One clawed hand toyed with the raven-haired girl’s impressive chest; pinching and stroking her erect pink nipples while each powerful thrust of his hips caused the witch to arch her back and shriek in pleasure. The wizard’s two remaining tentacles were remarkably tame around the witch — one simply bound her hands over her head, the other teasing her unattended tit and mouth — though never actually making any attempt beyond stroking the buxom pureblood’s full lips.

With a pale face and trembling hands, Molly shut the door. One thing reverbrated in her mind.

Page 256.

Molly shuddered, then drew herself up. Clearly, dark magic was at work here — heinous dark magic that turned ordinary young wizards (not at all like her darling Ronniekins!) into lust-fueled engines of sexual gratification who only existed to deliver pleasure to their victims, sending them into orgasmic fits just like when Sammael spread open Anna’s legs and reached down to — Molly drew in a deep breath and calmed down, banishing the mental image from her stash of well-written, thoughtful works of adult literature to the depths of her mind.

She would’ve to find James and inform him that his son was using dark magic — a terrible task, but somebody had to do it. The Weasley matriarch made her way to the master bedroom, her steps brisk and stride long. Quietly, she opened the door, just in case any of the senior Potters were working on something delicate…

Then her jaw dropped.

Evidently, Harry’s condition was hereditary, if the scene on the bed was anything to go by.

Lily Potter rocked on her fiendish husband’s thighs, ecstatic screams escaping her succulent mouth as each powerful thrust drove James’ huge cock deeper and deeper into her wet channel. The beautiful redhead’s blood-crimson locks stuck to the glistening sweat of her skin, while a strong tentacle alternated between massaging her full, firm breasts and descending to flick across her engorged clit. James growled softly into his wife’s ear; a clawed hand settled on the curve of her hip while the other wound itself in her thick hair.

Emmy Vance, on the other hand, was enjoying the attentions of three different tentacles. Slumped against James’ left shoulder, the blonde witch met each thrust of the tentacles with equal vigor while noisily slurping on the swollen appendage in her mouth. The lithe witch pressed herself against her lover’s left side during all this, grazing her hard nipples against him with each movement of her body.

There was another woman there, a brunette lying spread-eagled on Lily’s right. Soft wails of pleasure echoed as a pair of narrow, ribbed appendages slowly pistoned themselves in and out of the witch’s dripping pussy and arse, while another pair were slowly jacked off by the reclining woman. Occasionally, she’d rub the tips along her breasts, shuddering as they vibrated against her dark nipples.

The last woman was a surprise, though.

Pround, haughty and aristocratic; the lush form of Narcissa Malfoy writhed and moaned against the tentacles moving in her mouth and pussy. The platinum blonde let out a disappointed whimper when the makeshift penis in her mouth withdrew, only to give an indignified, startled squeak when another tentacle pushed her upright — facing Lily. Narcissa didn’t need further invitation.

They kissed.

Panting and moaning, both voloptuous redhead and stunning blonde suckled and nibbled at each other’s mouths, their breasts pressed against the other’s while both tight, trimmed curls of ruby and platinum rocked against their counterparts. The appendage between Lily’s breasts rose up between the two women, prompting both witches to kiss and suckle it between them. Narcissa broke off while gaving a surprised yelp as the tentacle that had been the recipient of her oral skills earlier pressed against her tight arse…

Molly recoiled in horror.

There was Narcissa… and Lily… and Emmaline… and appendages…

It was just like page 346… which meant that once the demons were done with their victims, they would intend to ravish the older, matured and riper women in the house.

Her.

Which meant tentacles… and… and… .dirty things… and…

There was a ‘Thud!’ as Molly collapsed, her face a mask of horror, terror and perverted thoughts made visible.

The next day…

Mum? Why is Mrs. Weasley lying down outside your bedroom?

… The hell?

The brunette is some random OC, possibly a friend of Lily’s. As for James’s tentacles being more multi-purpose (ribbed, vibrating, etc); keep in mind’s he’s older and more experienced than his son. As for why Narcissa’s there — I had that damn James/Lily/Narcissa scene haunting me for months.

There needs to be a Harry/Narcissa smutfic here, dammit (Auror Captain Harry and socialite Narcissa?). Even better, Harry/Narcissa/Astoria — Astoria walking in on Harry banging her mother-in-law? Vice-versa? Draco walking in on Harry banging both Narcissa and Astoria?

Potions 101

Lord of Bones

Note: Ignores HBP and DH. And lots of brackets. Based on one of my contributions to the Weasley kill-off thread.

Ginevra Weasley seethed.

Not that this was new. After all, the youngest Weasley had a reputation for having a temper almost as legendary as Mt. Molly, but it was just a matter of time before people started wondering whether she would inherit Molly Mollywobbles Weasley’s physique as well.

Smart money was on who the hell wants to find out?!

Then again, her current pet peeve was actually somewhat warranted, at least in her mind.

Damn the weather! muttered the thin redhead angrily, carefully stirring the glowing topaz liquid in the cauldron with the barest hint of agitation in her movements.

A freak heat-wave had struck Britain during the later spring months, bringing the mild temperature to levels far more suitable for an Equatorial country like Malaysia than the northern reaches of Europe. Popular consensus blamed the Dark Lord Voldemort experimenting on weather magic (Somewhere in the Alps, Voldemort held back a sneeze before going back to his spellcasting. He was going to have a ski-ramp here, one way or the other!)

Apart from the usual consequences of a sudden spike in regional temperature (including Severus Snape being rushed to St. Mungos after a severe heat stroke and Draco Malfoy acquiring severe sunburn), there was another, somewhat unforeseen consequence.

Namely that most students were forced to shed their bulky outer robes for something less likely to act as a microwave, including tight white shirts and singlets.

This had inevitably resulted in some… interesting discoveries, at least for the male portion of the school.

And much to Ginny’s irritation.

The revelation that Hermione Granger — in addition to taking care of herself quite well — had a great rack had been rather… surprising. Even more annoying to Ginny was the amount of attention being spread elsewhere; namely to the interesting fact that Lavender Brown and Susan Bones were easily top contenders for Hogwarts’ Best Bust ‘97 (much to Ginny’s horror, Lavender and Susan’s endowments were all-natural and seemingly gravity-defying); that Daphne Greengrass, Tracey Davis and Pansy Parkinson had single-handedly overturned the Female Slytherins had the body of a diseased mole rat perception when they doffed their robes; that Ravenclaws were rather kinky with their bodily enhancements (Ginny was fairly sure that the nipple-rings were just the tip of the iceberg); and that Parvati and Padma Patil really were identical twins.

And, much to Ginny’s horror, the revelation that Harry James Potter preferred something more… substantial on his women.

And much to our dear heroine’s horror, the whole thing had resulted in a far less retiring and more… proactive Boy-Who-Lived.

Then, of course, came the incidents.

Goddammit! howled Ginny, accidentally letting her saliva into the cauldron’s mixture.

Oh yes, the incidents.

They were minor, at first. Hermione [Bookworm whore! howled Ginny in the depths of her mind] would be pointing out a few lines in a passage out (never mind that she’d be bending over and giving Harry an ‘accidental’ view of her cleavage), Lavender and Susan [Top-heavy bitches! snarled the ginger] pleading with Harry to give them a few Defence tips (all the while ‘coincidentally’ pillowing his arms against their breasts), Daphne Greengrass [Snake-slut! spat the obviously mentally-unhinged witch] bumping into the raven-haired wizard in the hallways (that she’d be pressing her ‘assets’ against the athletic wizard had nothing to with it)…

It didn’t stop there, though.

Ginny began to grind her teeth as the memories rose up, then surpressed them through sheer force of will. At least Phlegm’s not involved in this she thought wryly.

(Elsewhere, a blonde Veela bombshell held back a sneeze before perusing outfits suitable for the seduction of a certain green-eyed wizard.)

Carefully, the redhead measured out the exact amount of her potion, confident that her newest concoction would tip the scales in her favor.

Pity she forgot about the drop of sweat she’d dropped on.

She tipped her head back and downed the potion. An ecstatic giggle left her throat as her chest began to expand from its barely-there state, growing and growing and growing… .

Slowly, revelation dawned on Ginevra’s face as she stared at her rapidly expanding chest.

Oh shi—

Elsewhere.

Harry looked down on the bevy of scantily-clad beauties lying on the bed. Daphne Greengrass lay on the far left, a sultry smirk on red lips while waves of black hair cascaded over her shoulders. A half-done green-and-silver tie and rested on her neck, while her artfully-positioned legs hid everything below her hips. Susan Bones was a far more demure sight, something which only enhanced her own curvaceous body and seductively modest pose.

Hermione was a surprise, though. The brunette was clad in a tastefully-ripped skirt, the hard points of her nipples straining against her white shirt. She gave him a shy smile, squeaking when she saw the obvious bulge straining against his jeans. Lavender, on the other hand, posed invitingly, playing with her own nipples and licking her lips welcomingly.

The Boy-Who-Lived smiled predatorially, resolving for a dose of House Unity before full-out Hogwarts Unity. He pounced.

In the midst of several feminine shrieks of surprise, moans and attempt to undress the virile young man who’d just landed in their midst, Lavender had two thoughts running through her mind.

Hope Parv, Pad and the ‘claws don’t mind that we started first, she mused.

And that Weather-Manipulation charm is the best damn spell ever.

Hogwarts Calendar II: Continuation

greenzxz

I had a few ideas regarding the special edition. As my adjectives regarding the female body is much more limited than Hellishlord’s, anything he writes would be more canon, of course.

Hermione Granger woke up to a familiar sight nowadays, a sight she’d been wishing to wake up to for a while now, the ceiling of Harry Potter’s flat. She looked up at He-of-the-Green-Eyes, Man-Who-Conquered, Scarer-of-Unspeakables, etc., who was sleeping contently with herself in one arm, a strawberry blonde, probably Susan, in the other, and a petite Indian softly snoring on his chest, though from this angle, she couldn’t quite tell if it was Parvati or Padma. Occasionally she’d wonder why she was so satisfied being just one of Harry’s witches, something that would have seriously insulted her Muggleborn feminist sensibilities back in the day. But bladder pressure forced her to put off such musings for another time. Carefully extracting her arm from a mess of limbs of what must be at least four witches, she thanked Merlin again for wandless wordless anti-numb spells; recently she’d been needing them much more often.

After her morning dues, she started flipping through the accumulated mail. Whenever she spent the night, she’d help organize Harry’s inbox. Specifically, sorting out the junk from the real mail. It was amazing how much trouble the Weasleys, all by themselves, could create, from howlers to pleads for sharing (which disturbingly came from all the Weasleys); from requests for more investment to nude photographs (unfortunately not exclusive to Ginny as somebody needs to Aunt Muriel to back off!). Then came the semi-real mail, like the death threats from anonymous Dark Wizards (Malfoy and his goons apparently never heard of handwriting recognition) and unconditional surrenders from various Veela nations around the globe. Hermione might have been willing to share, but that was ridiculous!

Today, however, she came upon an anonymously sent small package. Well, not anonymous, but Various Lonely Witches was not exactly informative, or creative for that matter. Shrugging, Hermione cast her standard set of detection spells to find nothing out of the ordinary, just a few wizarding photographs with shrinking charms. Opening them up, she was kinda surprised. She knew that the Chaser Trio were not happy that the Gryffindor contingent of the Hogwarts Harem Calendar was already filled, but didn’t imagine that they’d find allies so quickly to do something of their own. And that name! The most ridiculous and unsubtle thing ever. Although given what she had to do to land Harry, she commiserated. Flipping through the photos, she came upon a few names she never knew was interested in Harry, and a few she conscientiously rejected due to not being part of the theme she wanted. Deciding in the end, there’s no real harm in letting Harry get this little gift. After all, sharing is caring!

And so Harry James Potter, later that morning after the witches had to go to their various jobs, sat down on his sofa to open up the package. Inside was a letter in unfamiliar handwriting.

Dear Mr. Potter,

You have been selected to participate in a special contest. You are the only competitor, but this will test your abilities against a variety of difficult but rewarding tasks. Inside this package is a deck of cards, collected in sets. These cards are a free gift for you, but each one describes a challenge which must be completed. Once you complete all the challenges in one set, you will get a surprise reward for that set. Ideally you will quickly get to each challenge, but please take your time doing each one.

The cards are charmed to expand and shrink with your wand and a thought, so you may more easily carry them with you. Each card will show a title and a brief description of the challenge. Enjoy, and god speed!

Other Raunchy Girls Aiming for a Session of Masterful Sex

The letter followed with a postscript in Hermione’s familiar writing:

P.S. Go for it! I’ll convince the other girls, and we’ll prepare an expansion pack for you too!

Moving the letter aside, our badass Head Unspeakable fanned open the deck, back facing him, after enlarging the cards to the size of a good book. The first three had the Hogwarts emblem on the back, so he assumed they were one set and turned them around. Nothing would have prepared him for this.

Title	Hogwarts Set Card 1 — Astronomy Tower
Challenge	Investigate Untoward Activity at the Astronomy Tower

By itself, this seemed to be a boring challenge, but the picture on the card promised something a lot more interesting. Taken at the Astronomy Tower of Hogwarts at night, the photo showed a bright moon shining down onto the balcony and illuminating the silhouette of a slim figure with long flowing hair. The woman in the picture turned, allowing Harry to see the hints of a pert curved arse and indications that it was quite cold in the Tower at the time. As the moonlight revealed more flesh, it was clear that the redheaded wet dream professor of Hogwarts, Professor Aurora Sinistra, was not wearing anything at all, though much was still covered in shadow, including whether she was a natural red. Having often wondered about the professor nude like many of the boys back at Hogwarts, Harry now knew that she has relatively smaller breasts that fit perfectly on her thin figure. He swallowed heavily as the image of Professor Sinistra winked, made a come hither gesture, and turned back, allowing the picture to cycle.

It was only with great anticipation at the rest of the deck did Harry flip open the second card, only to see a famous visage, the new Quidditch instructor at Hogwarts, ex-pro Gwenog Jones.

Title	Hogwarts Set Card 2 — Quidditch Pitch
Challenge	Test your Broomstick and Beater Bat Handling Skills

Gwenog Jones stood ready on the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch with a broomstick in one hand and a beater bat in the other, a slight smile on her face. It would have been quite presentable, were it not for the robe, a Hogwarts robe that looked like it was from Fourth Year, that could only have a few buttons closed around her waist, showing an amazing portion of magically smooth flesh. The robes also clearly showed off that Gwenog still kept the body of a professional athlete, though her Beater arms were toned down a bit from their heyday. If the robe was only borderline decent, the next motion rendered this picture above the level of those in standard Quidditch magazines and into Playwizard territory. Gwenog stuffed the beater bat into her cleavage and straddled the broomstick, revealing that the robes were lacked the ability to hide that she wasn’t wearing much (or at all) underneath. She moved up and down the broomstick indecently before taking off, spinning around the keeper post a few times before landing back and resuming her original pose.

Harry had never met Gwenog Jones personally, but resolved to fix that mistake at soonest convenience. The third card featured the new DADA professor, a member of The Old Crowd.

Title	Hogwarts Set Card 3 — Hogwarts Halls
Challenge	Explore the Hidden History of Hogwarts

A blonde witch whose death report had been exaggerated stood in a partially see-through nightgown that reached her feet in the halls of Hogwarts. Emmeline Vance effected the same calm stately manner even though the photograph clearly showed that her areolae are much larger than the average female, as well that only with the thinest of bikini bottoms would she suffer a wardrobe malfunction. She stood outside a door in Hogwarts without any other easily recognizable clues as to which floor. She opened the door and led the way with a lumos-lit wand into a larger than usual broom closet. She pointed a long and well manicured finger towards a wall, on which were carved the initials, J.P. + L.E. 1978 (+ E.V. 79). She had a sad reminiscing smile on while facing the wall, but she turned towards the camera and the smile morphed into a saucy anticipatory grin. She walked back outside, giving her hips just a light sway, and returned to right in front of the door.

The only reason that he didn’t apparate to Hogwarts immediately was that the next two cards had a silver and green background and the crest of the Malfoy family. Curious, he turned the first one over.

Title	Mother and Daughter Set Card 1 — Mother
Challenge	Satisfy a Matron in Ways that Her Husband Cannot

Narcissa Malfoy, sat prim and proper in an armchair in Malfoy Manor, based on the background pictures. Well, she would be prim and proper if she was wearing more than green and silver bra and knickers set. Pink nipples with large areolae peaked out of bras that couldn’t be described as covering, and little blonde curls hiding behind the see-through panties suggested that if Narcissa was a bottle blonde, she took the effort of dying both curtains and drapes. A few seconds later, Narcissa leaned backwards, spread her legs, and ran her hands down her breasts, over her stomach, and along her inner thighs. When she reached her knees, she stood up, turned around, and bent forward to reveal that G-string underwear do not cover arses very well. She ran her hand back up her legs, fingers drumming her arse a few times, and towards the buckle of her bra. Just before her hands touched her bra though, she turned her head around, winked, and sat back down into the seat.

Gulp. Harry Potter now really didn’t understand why Lucius, married to this beauty, would do anything but stay home in bed shagging her all day. Curious as to the daughter mentioned, Harry flipped over the next card.

Title	Mother and Daughter Set Card 2 — Daughter
Challenge	Instruct a Daughter in How a Wife Should Act

Astoria Malfoy, little sister to Daphne Greengrass and unfortunately bound to the Malfoy family due to a life debt between the fathers, lied, arms stretched over her head, on a luxurious bed. Harry wondered if the Malfoys were worse off than he imagined, seeing that Astoria only could afford the bottom half of a bra and crotchless panties. He could definitely see the family resemblance between her and Daphne, the similar hair and nipples, but differences too. For example, Daphne had her bush trimmed into a lightning bolt (Harry had checked earlier that morning). Astoria had none. Nip. Nada. Nothing. Her arms came down, played with her hair a bit, twirling it in her fingers, and then moved her fingers into her mouth, as if sucking on a popsicle. She then used those damp fingers to leave a wet trail around her nipples before moving her hands back above her head.

Double Gulp. Well, if this is the penalty he needs to pay for kidnapping the two male Malfoys and chucking them into a dungeon a while back, then he must take the blow for the Greater Good. The next set had three cards, the back of which was a Quaffle on a red and gold background. He had an idea what came next.

Title	Chaser Trio Set Card 1 — Weather
Challenge	Convince These Quidditch Players to Come in from the Rain

Unlike the previous cards, this card had three females, the familiar forms of Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet, and Angelina Johnson. Familiar still, the three were flying on broomsticks. Having practiced with them often in the rain back at Hogwarts, the three being wet was also familiar. However, the robes weren’t thick Hogwarts robes, but white clothes that were probably see through before they got wet. As it was, Harry could see every inch of the three chasers. For the record, Alicia had the largest bust, then Angelina, then Katie, though their nipples were of similar size. The closest to the camera was Angelina, her dark skin being extra obvious in the circumstances. While the other two kept sitting straight up on their broomstick, Angelina would occassionally hunker down and fly away, only to fly from behind the camera forward, allowing Harry a fairly clear view of her backside.

Harry cursed Oliver for missing out on years of opportunity by not asking the chasers to practice in those uniforms regularly. He also made a mental note to find some weather manipulation charms for casting when he goes to the Harpie’s games.

Title	Chaser Trio Set Card 2 — Cleaning
Challenge	Clean These Quidditch Players after a Tiring Game

Once again, this card had all three chasers, this time all facing away from the camera. All three were still wet, though this time it was because they were nude and in the shower of some nondescript locker room. Katie and Angelina were already covered in soap suds, accentuated by Katie’s olive skin tone and Angelina’s dark skin, making Harry question what is hotter, the clear view of Alicia or the covered view of the other two. Katie and Angelina increased the dilemma when they turned sideways, interesting buds barely distinguishable among the suds, and proceeded to soap up Alicia, showing a proficiency that suggested this was not a rare occasion. Only when Alicia was completely soaped up did she turn around and face the camera. But the obstructions was happily dealt with as Alicia turned on the shower and washed herself clean, and everyone returned to their positions.

Harry re-watched the card for a few times but still couldn’t find a solution to his question. Deciding to come back to it later, he looked at the last chaser card.

Title	Chaser Trio Set Card 3 — Seeking
Challenge	Catch All Three Snitches in this Scene

The three chasers had all cleaned up and had their hair wrapped in towels. Not so were their torsos. Three dry nude chasers sat around a room reminiscent of the Gryffindor Common Room. They seemed to show no interest in the camera, instead doing normal things like putting on makeup and doing their nails. However, given their seating positions, Harry couldn’t see their quims easily, though he took the time to familiarize himself further with the three pairs of breasts. Harry was prepared to dismiss the three chasers as snitches when Katie stood up and walked around a bit, allowing Harry a better view of her assets, incidentally trimmed into just a small thin line. The keen seeker skills located a small golden circle spinning on Katie’s lower back. Katie then moved to Alicia and lifted her leg just enough for Harry to see a golden tattoo on her inner thigh, while maneuvering Angelina so a flash of gold could be seen above her quim. All three eventually returned to their original seating and their benign activities.

Making a note to clear the Sunday after the next game as well, Harry turned to the final set, three cards with a pastel blue background and the coat of arms of Beauxbatons. Harry became puzzled; he only knew of two Beauxbatons witches: the Delacour sisters. Who would be on the third card?

Title	Sister Set Card 1 — Sister
Challenge	Care for a Swim?

A tall silvery blonde witch sat on a towel on a sunset beach wearing a silver one-piece, much like the one she wore many years ago, facing the camera with a smile. Fleur still looked regal and amazing, and Harry was glad that the photograph do not convey the Veela allure. As Fleur stood up and threw her hair back, Harry suddenly realized that Fleur doesn’t have a tan and wears her hair much much shorter than the witch in the photo, whose hair reached her back. Bloody Hell! When did Gabrielle grow tits?! And curves! Harry quickly did the math in his head. She was sixteen, seventeen? Borderline legal in the Muggle world, but such things had more leeway in the Magical one. Shivers going up and down his spine, he saw Gabrielle jump into the water (nice form, nicer arse) only to surface a few seconds later. Walking back towards the camera dripping wet, Harry could only stare in amazement as the water revealed her neck, her chest, her cleavage, and her bre- It was here that he had to close his eyes to regain control, as Gabrielle’s swim suit was definitely not the same as Fleur’s, but one much more sheer, which happily revealed that Gabrielle has small nipples that seem hard enough to cut steel. He opened his eyes slightly only to see Gabrielle shaking her hair dry, doing more funny but beautiful things to her chest. She finally went back to her spot, pulled a wand from the towel, and cast a drying charm before sitting back down onto her towel.

Whew! Harry had to take a break here. The photographs must be providing some allure power after all, as he had to tell his heart to stop hyperventilating. With limited control, he examined the next card.

Title	Sister Set Card 2 — Sister
Challenge	A Duel, Monsieur?

Standing in the dead end of a hedge maze, Fleur Delacour stood in a standard dueling pose wearing a nonstandard strapless light blue teddy, cut so low it must have been held up by magic and cut so high that one wondered why she bothered at all. Her legs were uncovered and perfect, culminating in a pair of fuck-me-boots. Fleur saluted and bowed, letting her pendulous bosom form two perfect cones toward the ground. Thankfully this wasn’t a real duel, because most men would have surrendered then and there. Rising back up, Fleur started shadow-dueling: twisting and turning to dodge phantom spells cast at her. Her hair spun in a silvery halo, while her legs stayed in masterful control of those painfully high boot heels. Her spins teasingly offered alternate perspectives of her curves, as well as the back of the teddy was less of a back and more of a just ten pieces of string. Fleur even took a dive to the ground or two, rolling around but jumping up with nary a speck of dust on her perfect body. Sweat glistening all over her form, she once again saluted and bowed, before returning to her pose with a smirk on her face.

Although he now had newfound appreciation for Fleur’s stamina and athleticism, Harry was slightly disappointed that the teddy was very attractive, just not as revealing as some of the other cards. He then smacked himself for being so spoiled that he thought that Fleur in a teddy could be disappointing. He turned his attention to the last card, wondering what it would bring.

Title	Sister Set Card 3 — Sisters
Challenge	Survive a Triathlon

The setting was a Magical honeymoon suite on a beach resort somewhere. A bright sun shone over a jacuzzi more luxurious than the one in the Prefect’s Bathroom, though the crystal clear blue waters of a sea was just a few meters away. Between the two, on a wooden platform, was a four poster bed with thin red curtains pulled back. Not that Harry noticed any of this, because on the bed was the reclining forms of both the Delacours. Fleur propped her head with one arm and lay on her left, wearing a thin grey see-through negligee that went to her thighs, allowing a clear view of her legs and evidence that she wasn’t wearing anything else underneath. Her right arm stretched forward to touch Gabrielle’s right, as she was leaning on a few pillows behind her back. She only wore a black version of Fleur’s negligee, and Harry could clearly see little round pink areas near her breasts, visibly different in color and texture from the tan skin. She had her legs slightly raised, such that he only could see hints of the triangle between her thighs. Then the two started to move. The two sisters pushed themselves up and parted their legs, the gowns riding higher up their thighs. As one, they lifted their gowns to verify that both shaved, and started moving hands down. The hands attracted attention to their similarly sized breasts (though they looked larger on Fleur’s shorter frame) and firm stomachs, just enough that Harry barely noticed that the two were also twisting to face each other. Their fingers reached where their pubes would’ve been just as their heads were an inch apart. Harry’s heart thumped as time slowed down while the fingers and lips moved closer to their targets. The four pairs of lips parted all at the same time, all glistening wet. Two tongues slipped out and two middle fingers stretched, but the instant before contact, the two witches pulled everything back, straightened their clothing, and returned to the initial image.

Harry screamed and threw a pillow in frustration.

He looked at the clock: 10 am. Hogwarts was in session, and he didn’t know the professors schedules. The Harpies were on the road, and he’ll see them next Saturday anyway. So the question now was, floo to Malfoy Manor or apparate to France?

OMAKE: I had wanted just two Hogwarts professors (thus dragging Gwenog into the mix) and another section for The Old Crowd witches, but I didn’t like the way the Hestia Jones card worked out. Since it would be a little odd having a set of just Emmeline Vance, I moved her to the Hogwarts section. Here’s the original:

Harry returned to the next set, a set with a picture of a phoenix in song. Hoping that he was not about to see Molly Weasley, he summoned his Gryffindor Courage.

Title	Old Crowd Set Card 1 — History
Challenge	Learn More About Your Parents

He only vaguely remembered the witch on the card, a Hestia Jones who rescued him from the Dursleys back in Fifth Year. The fairly attractive brunette was seated in what appeared to be an unused classroom at Hogwarts, dressed in an old set of robes similar to the style he saw his mum wore in wizarding photos. It was hard to guess her age given wizarding aging and the robes did cover up most of her figure, so Harry was happy to not see Molly but couldn’t really get excited. Hestia shyly led the camera’s attention to a book on a corner desk. As the camera zoomed in, words on the book started to come into focus, Lily came back crying today, and came into my arms. After comforting, she revealed that Severus called her the M word. She was so shocked. I hate to admit it, but I took advantage of her in that weak moment. I had wanted to comfort her, show her not everyone thinks like that. Before I knew it, I had captured her lips … The words trailed off the screen, and when the camera pulled back, Harry was stunned. The robes had come off, revealing a red and green corset that must have been put on magically. He wasn’t quite sure she was breathing without magic somehow either. She may not naturally have the figure of Narcissa Malfoy, but with the corset on he couldn’t really make a judgment. She was one of the larger cups he knew, rivaling Lavender Brown. He knew that as she leaned forward to show off some impressive cleavage and blow a kiss at the camera. Finally, the camera pulled back and Hestia re-wrapped the robe around her and moved to her original seat.

Harry couldn’t decide if learning that his mother experimented while at Hogwarts is a bad thing. On one hand, thinking about parents sexually is just weird. On the other hand, he can easily imagine a fairly cute, large cupped, younger Hestia being quite the catch. Even now, he was curious if the corset was really necessary, and he committed to finding out. Once again hoping that Molly Weasley would not appear, he examined the next card.

Title	Old Crowd Set Card 2 — Biology
Challenge	Compare Yourself with Your Parents

Once again, Harry was a little bit confused. Sure, Emmeline seemed very attractive, but what did he know about her? Is there really a need to compare to his parents constantly? <And intro to the next set>

I should note that according to HP Lexicon, canon Hestia should not be considered a member of the Old Crowd, but to paraphrase Don, Look at his screen name.

greenzxz

Warning: if you believe that the subtext implies sisterly incest here, you’re a sicko! ^_^

Memo	Conference Report, Day One
To	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
From	Healer Hermione Potter-Granger
RE	Major Harry Potter and Cooperation Efforts
I understand that Padma is supposed to write the first report, but she’s currently indisposed and thus I have written this in her stead.
◊ Thank you for finagling approval for Mrs. Fleur Weasley and Miss Padma Patil to the delegation in the name of International Cooperation. Also thank you for securing funding for Major Harry J. Potter to be available as a bodyguard against Dark Wizards, as his presence will greatly contribute to the success of our mission of convincing the world that Britain is a fertile place with a future. We have managed to accept the reduction in accommodations with great aplomb; details to follow.
◊ Today mostly featured the opening ceremony. Major Potter was surprised into giving an extemporaneous speech. He did a good job considering, explaining how the international support of families like the Delacours and the Patils was greatly useful to his success, how accommodating the patriarchs have been with the risks he shared with their children, and how he looked forward to future cooperation among the current generation of the Potter, Delacour, and Patil families. He pointed out that Pansy Malfoy, Daphne Zabini, and Astoria Nott also contributed to the defeat of the Dark Lord, thanks to their willingness to know me inside and out. Major Potter exclaimed that his experiences with them taught him that every Darkness could and should receive an injection of Light.
◊ After the ceremony, we retreated to our room (in order to save Ministry funds, we decided to share one room instead of being spread out across the resort). Miss Gabrielle Delacour of the French delegation joined us to discuss further cooperation between the Potter and Delacour families.
◊ Miss Delacour rushed to Major Potter and myself to test us on her previous lessons on the French tongue. We both demonstrated that Mrs. Weasley had ensured that we kept up lots of practice. Miss Patil and Miss Delacour had never met in such an setting, but they were able to remind themselves that they had similar goals of promoting international cooperation and sharing of assets. The family reunion between the sisters was also very touching and caused involuntary waterworks from all present.
◊ Initial pleasantries having passed, we settled into more comfortable attire and decided to focus on our personal discussions for this evening, leaving our delegation duties outside. Miss Delacour wanted to process her interests with Major Potter directly, but I had to insist my Mistress of House duties and request that she first satisfy my requirements. She carefully navigated around my points that were brought up and instead got into the thrust of the matter at hand. She was attentive and quick to react to my unspoken requests; she was very good at discerning my intentions from vocalized sounds that didn’t quite form into words. Her silver tongue caused me to gush uncontrollably, I must admit, and caused me to cave earlier than I had expected. I was quite pleased.
◊ Meanwhile, Mrs. Weasley and Miss Patil were working Major Potter to lure out his contribution to this union of the families (they had paid their dues to myself earlier in the day). You are already familiar with working with him, how it can be a handful, but it is fairly straightforward. It can be hard to work with, but when handled with the right touch and application of pressure, he can be convinced to soften. Mrs. Weasley had managed this task via the system of deep nods that she developed and evoked the standard response from him, but bravely dealt with it face forward. Miss Patil further demonstrated the tone of the evening by convincing Mrs. Weasley to share the fruits of her labor so they may try out and ponder the essence of his agenda.
◊ I having rated Miss Delacour’s intentions to be acceptable and Mrs. Weasley with Miss Patil having confirmed Major Potter’s dedication to this union, Major Potter welcomed Miss Delacour by probing her key areas from top to bottom with a multi-prong approach. Having closely examined every facet with every sensitive and powerful tool at his disposal, Major Potter went ahead with the main effort, while Mrs. Weasley, Miss Patil, and myself watched, entranced, from the side at this glorious connection of two cultures, as sign of the times we now lived in.
◊ The two of them faced each other, moving back and forth as they considered the various ins and outs of this deal, invoking God in both languages. Miss Delacour in particular tended to insist that Major Potter move faster with the proceedings while Major Potter was bemoaning how difficult it was to move himself forward, such was the resistance she was providing. Mrs. Weasley viewed this bond of two families from the side, offering input and assistance between her sister and Major Potter whenever possible, while Miss Patil and myself used a variety of props to demonstrate the Potter-Patil connection that exists even without Major Potter. Before we knew it, Mrs. Weasley had manually assisted Miss Delacour to reach a successful conclusion, ending the first phase of this negotiation. Major Potter thanked Mrs. Weasley with her efforts before helping me form a more organic bond with Miss Patil; she was exhausted by trying to respond in kind.
And thus the discussions for the first night went to very late before Major Potter was able to go to sleep with me, but that’s personal information that has no part in this formal report and you probably wouldn’t care to hear anyway. However, I will say that cutting down costs by sharing one room and one bed is forcing us into tight quarters, even tighter because Miss Delacour has decided that staying with us will allow further negotiations to occur as soon as possible in the morning. Still, we will deal as best we can, but I have a husband to snuggle against now. G’night!
P.S. Gabby sends love and kisses to everyone, but would like to especially request negotiations with Astoria Nott, with her attention to details. Do you think this can be arranged?
P.P.S. Fleur would like you to know that she misses you and invites you out for a Young Mrs. Weasleys’ Weekend after the conference.
P.P.P.S. As an incentive, this hotel is very comfortable and would be great place for you to ensure that you beget that pureblood son Percy’s been asking for; Major Potter and I are planning to stay a few days after the conference if you’d like company.

Stick97

apologies to hellish, but when I saw Ron pass over sex with hermione for food???

Well…

Bill had tried to give Ron the Talk. At first, he had been disappointed in his father’s failure. Surely, the old man had sat Ron down and explained just how to go about his role? It was the duty of every male Weasley to spread the ginge amongst the heathens!

So, Bill had brought his copy of How to daterape and knock up an unwilling hot chick v.95 to the Burrow, ready to instruct Ron.

After 45 minutes of trying to shout over the howling, moaning and thumping from upstairs he was quite frustrated. Then when the ghoul left, muttering about untolerable work enviroment, noise all hours of the night, can’t get any sleep!, Bill knew he had to take matters more seriously.

After sidealong apparating Ron to the pub, he had ordered a bottle of firewhiskey, and proceeded to explain the facts of life to Ron. He really thought he had gotten Ron’s attention when he had described the feeling of sex as warm cherry pie.

Ron’s eyes glowed with excitement, and he seemed very eager to try the seckstual experience. They had returned back to the Burrow, slightly tipsy, and Ron seemed to be a man on a mission.

Bill was as well. He had to drop the kids off at the pool, immediately!

Damn firewhiskey! Did it to him every time. Bill was sitting on the throne, enjoying a bit of silence and reading an old Quidditch magazine from 1990 when he heard a slow moan coming from the living room. While disgusting to think about, he had to admit he was proud of his youngest brother. He also was glad to see that Hermione had not been truly ruined. With the way she had been drunkenly stumbling about, her bow-leggedness, and the howling, he was afraid she wouldn’t even notice Ron.

In the few seconds it took for Bill to have these thoughts, it appeared Ron really did live up to Weasley standards. There was a high pitched yowl of satisfaction followed by a thump. Then the screaming and yelling started.

Ronald Bilius Weasley! What have you done to my pie! That was supposed to be for dessert tonight! howled Molly.

’Surely he didn’t?’ thought Bill, trying to quickly finish before things got worse.

Unfortunately, Fleur, Hermione, Angelina, and Daphne chose that minute to floo back in from a shopping trip to a certain infamous adult novelty store.

Mon Dieu! ‘e… desecrated le pastry! shouted Fleur.

My eyes, they burn so many freckles! So pasty and white, it’s like looking into the sun! howled Daphne.

Huh! Dwarfism does run in the family. commented Angelina.

Hmmmm, Cherry pie, that intermixed with the whipped cream, would provide for an intriguing combination. Now as for the application… Spatula, hands, tongue? I’ll have to research this more. said Hermione, who suddenly had three disgusted witches looking at her in horror.

On HARRY! huffed Hermione.

She still had three witches looking at her, but now they seemed… hungry?

I’ve always been partial to lingonberry myself. said Daphne, licking her suddenly dry lips.

Peaches and cream… ..mmmmmMMMMMMM! said Angelina.

Oh oui! Crepes Suzette… .oui! oui! said Fleur.

We’ll have to set up a matrix, and define the control set, and the parameters of the… research project. Of course for the best results, we would need a wide sampling, it could take a long time to really penetrate the mysteries, and have a definitive answer. said Hermione, thinking aloud, as she furiously scribbled on a piece of parchment she had pulled from her bag.

Wide… nodded Fleur.

Long… confirmed Daphne, smiling with glazed eyes.

Penetrating… shivered Angelina, as she rubbed her thighs together.

Bill came running out of the bathroom, trying to fasten his robes, and escape the stench. Damn Firewhiskey! Uh, Fleur, when did you get back, I thought you said you would be shopping all day?

Non, Hermione explained that the lingerie would not last past the first few seconds anyways, and it would be better to save the money for pepper-up potions for the day after. replied Fleur, airily dismissing Bill and his questions.

As Bill entered the living room, finally getting around the witches, he came upon a sight, that would traumatize him for the rest of his life.

Molly was scrubbing the floor, Ron was groggily sitting at the table next to Ginny, who was happily scooping Cherry Pie into her mouth as fast as she could move the spoon. Mum, this is amazing! Is it a new recipe? It’s so warm and gooey! Although it does taste awfully familiar… Did you use extra salt? asked Ginny, licking her fingers, as she had found the spoon too slow. Here, try some Ronnie, it’s simply to die for!

Bill turned green as Ron groggily looked at the heaping handful of pie in Ginny’s hand, and proceeded to lean forward to inhale it.

Ron! NO! Don’t!! shouted Bill, desperately trying to keep his lunch and the firewhiskey down. He turned pale watching Ron suck the remnants of the pie from his sister’s hands.

Well, that was just rude? Where is he off to in such a hurry? commented Daphne watching Bill desperately scramble to the bathroom, with his hand covering his mouth.

Mmmmm, you’re right Gin, this does taste familiar. said Ron, now shoveling as much of the pie into his mouth as he could get from his sister’s greedy hands.

Brian64

Supplemental
While walking through Muggle park on second day of Muggle patrol, Weasley spotted life size chess set. After he noticed one of the black pawns missing, Weasley immediately jumped into the vacant spot and called out to the white pieces to start. I considered reminding him that Muggles didn’t have magical chess sets, but instead decided to continue my patrol and let him figure it out for himself.
Additional supplemental
It’s been six days and still no sign of Weasley. Are Muggles freaking awesome or what?!? Strongly recommend we install life-sized Muggle chess set in the break room just in case he comes back. Best week ever!

greenzxz

To	Penelope Weasley
From	Fleur Weasley
Subject	Third Day of the Conference
Penny,
Dear Sister-in-Weasleyhood, thank you so much for arranging for Harry, Hermione, Padma, and me to come to this conference! I miss you, and I apologize that you now have to deal with Molly all by yourself, but I bet that you’re appreciating Hermione’s animation charm work on my Christmas gift now, no? I still can’t believe Percy is fine with you naming it Mr. Little Gryffindor!
It was great to see my sister as always (especially along with Harry), but Padma and Gabby getting together beautifully was a surprise. My sister tells me that she now has a personal and thorough understanding of Padma’s tastes. Sigh, I kinda wish I was that thorough the first day with Padma. You know I love Hermione, but sometimes, she’s so … bookish, you know? (And if you’re reading this, Hermione, you have to admit that you are, and we love you for it!)
In addition to the personal relationships, this conference has been very valuable professionally too. Today, Padma and Hermione attended a discussion group on enchantments on books; I think they wanted to do some kind of super photo album to give to Harry’s various witch friends. Harry, Gabby, and I went to a Veela panel on special Veela-related spells. There was one to help me control my transformation. Another allowed us to grow in small areas the feathers of the bird form without transforming all the way. Apparently you and I aren’t the only ones who need feathers at the oddest times. There was also a ritual to help us retain our bird form’s lack of gag reflex in human form for a day.
After the panel but before dinner, Harry demonstrated both what he learned yesterday in the Parseltongue class and the session today. Padma requested that I keep those new Parseltongue spells of Harry’s as a surprise, but I’ll give you a hint: the language isn’t the only thing snake-like. Mon Dieu, it was fantastic! We also tried out some of the Veela spells. It’s not any more exciting to be tickled by your own feathers, but Harry definitely appreciated the feather touch at certain times. I’ve also practiced enough to not have much gag reflex in my human form, but Gabby’s still practicing. So in the end the new spells were all quite beneficial.
There was an incident at dinner. As usual, our delegation sat together with my sister. Harry was off getting drinks when some old putain from Eastern Europe walked by, muttering in Russian about talentless mixed bloods who waste space at such a prominent conference. Hermione looked up, and responded in Russian, At least we are aware of translation charms. Or is your family so backwards that you haven’t even heard of Merlin?
Before the old spinster could respond, Padma jumped in with, My direct ancestors were carving temples out of stone through their magic before your people even knew what a wand was. How long has your family been magical?
I asked her why I can’t remember ever seeing her at one of my father’s balls at the French Ministry of Magic.
The hag looked awfully flustered and was about to respond, when Gabrielle, bless her, brushed some hair off her shoulder and dismissively sneered, You may go now. The Man-Who-Conquered is returning to us, and we don’t need a talentless inbred virgin affecting our appetites.
The bigot huffed and made a motion to summon her wand, when Harry returned. Using his Power Voice he calmly asked for her to leave and smiled his Why Yes, I Do Have the Virility of Fifty Men smile. (Merde! I’m getting warm just remembering it!) She took off and we started our meal.
The food itself also led to a moment of interest. The menu included a shellfish bake, stuffed chicken breast, and a simple thick steak. All three were delicious, but conversation was even more so.
Part way into the meal, Padma was having problems opening a closed oyster in the bake. I offered to help teach Padma the special Veela way of opening oysters and licking the juicy meat inside. This caused Hermione to choke on her steak, so Gabrielle offered to teach her how to properly hold a hot juicy piece of raw meat in her mouth without gagging, eager to show off her new spell I suppose. Hermione smirked and pointed at Harry’s chicken breast, Well, Harry has a special type of bird stuffing that works very well. Maybe I should ask him to show it to you after dinner?
After this, let’s just say we took dinner back to the room.
When we had our privacy, the demonstrations started right away. I started by trying to show Padma how a mother bird would feed food to her young, but I made a mistake and got too close; she didn’t mind. Nonetheless, I was determined to do the next step right, so I took a Padma oyster, parted the sides with many years of experience, and took a lick to find the juicy center. You recall my showing you the technique the first time that many years ago, right? Well, my sister is right; Padma’s tastes do tend to be more delicate and sweeter, like ghee or mango. And unlike your geyser of an oyster, Padma’s is more like a river, constantly flowing. Once my tongue loosened it up enough, I got to squeeze my fingers inside as well, digging for more of that delicious flesh. I hope you remember my ability at making sure that meat and juices of the oyster come into my mouth. Except that little bit near the top. No matter how I poked and pulled, licked and bit, sucked and slurped, it never come off down my throat completely. Still, Padma was impressed with my technique and offered to show me the Patil eating method, so I presented her an oyster as well. She must have had much experience as well, as my oyster meat was glistening after a short session of eating.
To our side, Gabrielle started by helping Hermione avoid gagging on large pieces of meat, both the long cylindrical kind and the smaller egg-shaped kinds. Coincidentally, Hermione took this time to instruct Gabrielle on the correct preparation of the stuffing, a sausage-shaped piece of raw juicy natural meat. Apparently it works better with direct manual and oral manipulation rather than usage of any utensil to help the blood drain in the right direction. It also tends to be a bit dry naturally, so extra lubrication is needed to ensure a smooth operation once the stuffing enters the bird. Once they got the stuffing to the appropriate volume and ready, Hermione helped Harry stuff the bird, to Gabrielle’s delight. Hermione even provided commentary about how the special technique involves pushing in as hard as one could in multiple strokes, making sure to squeeze all the air out on each stroke, ensuring that each crevasse is touched by the stuffing, and pounding the bird until it no longer can hold up its own weight. Oddly enough, this form of bird stuffing can result in more protein inside the bird afterwards. Once Harry finished, Hermione started narrating the taste test; amazingly, eating a stuffed bird is awfully like eating an oyster! She concluded with a promise that next time, they should try doing the stuffing properly in a kitchen instead of making a mess over the sofa. Gabrielle has never seemed so eager to enter a kitchen.
So that was tonight. I must stress that I wish you were out here with us. You are my sister in every way that matters, given how our blood flowed during the war. Maybe you can help me learn Harry’s bird stuffing method and do the taste test afterwards?
Love and Kisses From,
Fleur
P.S. Hermione’s now singing praises of Parsel-magic. Can’t wait to show you girls back home!
P.P.S. Yes, teasing about Parsel-magic is just my way of luring you to come join us. So will you?

bigcaanine

Memo	Physical Evaluation
To	Head Auror Shacklebolt
From	Healer Hermione Potter-Granger
Re	Auror Trainee Susan Bones
◊ During my observation, Auror Trainee Bones showed up and down performance during the ridged physical examination that Auror Captain Potter and I tasked her with. Auror Trainee Bones brought out all her assets in the performance of these tasks and showed great promise to use those assets to the full extent of her abilities.
◊ Auror Trainee Bones’ inexperience in using her assets during the tasks did not deter her enthusiasm and willingness to provide multiple positive results that both Auror Captain Potter and I can attest to.
◊ Auror Trainee Bones demonstrated great oral ability in dealing with Auror Captain Potter, multitasking by providing a hand to my satisfaction and awareness of when things are coming to a head.
◊ My position recommendation is to have Auror Trainee Bones on Auror Captain Potters staff along with my providing dailiy training sessions to Auror Trainee Bones in using her assets.

Stick97

ooooo this could be fun.
How about a Basic Instinct type interrogation of either/or/both witches by Head Auror Harry Potter?

Mrs Malfoys… Harry began, shuffling his forms for a second as he tried to focus on the case and not the two smoking hot witches sitting in chairs across from him.

Black. interjected Narcissa, her eyes hooded as she slowly appraised Harry and smiled.

Greengrass added Astoria, seductively moistening her pouting lips. She straightened her scandalously short white robe, smoothing the front out with her hands.

While this did a passable job of removing the minor wrinkles, it also made clear just how thin the robe was and how cold the interrogation chamber must be. Harry briefly thought about casting a heating charm, but was distracted by Narcissa’s huff and the glare she was giving Astoria.

Really Auror Potter, began Narcissa, shifting uncomfortably in the hard metal chair, causing her black robes to ride further up exposing her long creamy thighs.

Master. replied Harry in a distracted tone, suddenly visualizing Astoria with a halo and wings, and Narcissa with devil horns and a tail.

One can only hope. mumbled Astoria under her breath, as she shivered. Closely inspecting the hypnotizing motion, Harry deduced two important facts.

One, Astoria was not wearing a bra, and two he would need to thank the maintenance people for keeping the room so cool. Shaking his head to clear it, he looked back to Narcissa, repeating himself for clarity’s sake.

My title is Master Auror Potter, madam. Now would you care to explain where you were tonight from the hours of 5 PM to 9 PM? asked Harry.

My apologies Master Potter, I am somewhat distracted. Is there any way you could transfigure us more comfortable chairs? These metal chairs are so uncomfortable… and cold! whined Narcissa, as she suddenly shifted slightly. She slowly brought her right ankle out from behind her left, and slowly spread her legs slightly. She then straightened out her right leg, stretching it and pointing her foot at Harry’s suddenly tight trousers. Where she had previously been sitting quite properly and demurely, she now was in a quite different position. She seemed to be looking for a run in her stockings, as she twisted her leg back and forth, closely examining it. The only problem with this was, she was not only not wearing stockings, she also was without any form of panties.

Although, on the plus side, he could now settle the long standing bet with the twins on whether or not the carpet matched the drapes on Malfoy’s mom. It seemed she preferred a tile floor. Although hardwood seemed a better descriptor at the moment.

Hearing a growl from Astoria, he turned quickly, preparing to release his wand from it’s holster. He had not searched them, so there was always the possibility that they had snuck a wand in. She was not making any overtly aggressive moves, she had merely crossed her arms under her breasts, and was now glaring at Narcissa. She suddenly leaned forward, examining her leg as well, with a cry.

Definitely, with out a doubt, not wearing a bra. Pink, and rosy, in case you were wondering.

Harry had the sudden urge to nibble on the eraser of a pencil.

Astoria leaned back, slowly raising her leg vertically, to show the back of her calf. She traced her hand from her ankle, down the seam to mid thigh. It appeared her stocking did actually have a run in it.

And that Astoria followed the same grooming practices as her mother in law.

I don’t suppose you could Reparo my stocking Master? These are my favorite pair. pouted Astoria, slowly drawing small circles around the small tear in her white thigh high stockings.

Harry drew his wand, preparing to cast a Reparo. He was a public servant after all…

Eewec Ourbyni

Memo	Snacks at DMLE meetings
To	Major H. Potter
From	MoM Catering Service
◊ We are regretful that at the current time we will have to cease supplying DMLE staff meetings effective immediately. It has come to light that the quantity of food consumed at these meetings is triple the quantiy usually served in the main canteen to ALL departments and as such has become an unviable activity for us to support.
◊ Should in the future the cause of this immense imbalance in the ratio of quatity of food consumed to the number of employees become known and the problem cured then we will of course be happy to restart supply to your meetings.

Dan Yetman

Couldn’t resist. Sorry.

Harry Potter made an acknowledging sort of grunt and wrote a quick sentence on a tiny notepad.

Mmm-hmm. So you have inferiority issues with your father, whom you feel disregards your feelings, and you believe that your mother doesn’t particularly show any interest in you. And how does that make you feel?

Draco Malfoy, proud scion of the Moste Noble and Anciente House of Malfoy, shrieked girlishly as tears ran down his face. It was an understandable reaction, really, seeing as his fingers were slowly being ground away from the tips by a magically revolving sanding stone while Draco was suspended wrongside-up in midair.

Why are you doing this? Draco sobbed. Harry stopped writing, looked thoughtful for a moment, and mumbled something too quiet for the blonde to hear.

What?

For… for…

For the love of Merlin, why?!

For Pony!

greenzxz

To	Hogwarts Alumnae
From	Hermione Potter-Granger
I have heard many a disturbing rumor recently regarding my friend Penelope Weasley’s pregnancy, Percy Weasley, and my husband. Many witches have come up to my husband and myself to inquire into the truth of those rumors, and we are tired of answering.
My husband is NOT a gigolo. My husband is NOT for rent. My husband is NOT available to stud.
BACK OFF!

Hogwarts Calendar III: Potter’s Revenge

Lord of Bones

I struggled a bit with Tonks here, so I had to go back to some of my saved smut collection to get a better feel about how I wanted to handle her. The snippet in which I credit Tonks’ characterization belongs to… Cypher3au, I believe; written in my Heritage idea thread in TFF.

Things were back to normal at the Department of Mysteries.

Well, relatively normal, anyway. At least the Unspeakables had generally put a stop to fainting, prophesizing Armageddon or mumbling prayers to ancient alien demon-gods whenever Mr. Potter (a.k.a The Boss a.k.a Doesn’t he ever sleep?! a.k.a Not-the-face-Not-the-face-AARGH!) put his lunch hour to use. While they quietly believed that seeing their workaholic boss actually take time off for lunch was unnatural, seeing their boss actually stay in his office for more than fifteen minutes (without leaving as soon as possible to oversee and/or personally handle one of the many assignments and projects handled by the DoM) was enough of a novelty that the Unspeakables chose to not bring it up.

Not bringing up novelties in front of Mr. Potter was a very safe and non-hazardous career choice, as far as many Unspeakables were concerned.

The Unspeakables also chose to not bring up the fact that whenever Mr. Potter actually stuck around, his door was more often than not locked shut and generally only opened to admit out certain dishevelled, bowlegged and dazedly smiling young women.

The less they saw, the healthier it was.

Mr. Potter would’ve agreed with his underlings, if not for the fact that on this particular day, his door was — strangely enough — unlocked. Harry, for his part, was rather busy with sealing and charming twelve identical and suspiciously large envelopes before turning to the regal-looking snowy owl perched next to him. Hedwig gave her master’s finger an affectionate nip before taking to the skies with her burden.

The Master of Death leaned back into his chair with a cocky smile.

He couldn’t wait to see what would happen once his witches got their Commemoration Calendars.

All over Britain, in the sanctity of their private homes and offices, twelve witches received their packages, read their lover’s handwriting and opened their envelopes; curious as to the contents of this Commemoration Calendar.

Hermione was still June’s witch, with her sunny meadow and its quiet stream. There were some vital differences, however, separating the new calendar’s content from the original — in this case, Hermione was all on fours in the picture, her white sundress hiked up over the curve of her hips, while the top was pulled down under her breasts. Behind her, a familiar dark-haired man knelt with his hands steady on her hips; wet slaps of flesh audible in the quiet scenery as the man’s hips snapped forward with strong thrusts, pounding deeply into the brunette witch’s tight twat. Hermione’s moans and cries proved an interesting soundtrack to the scene, her hands fisting and clawing at the grass with each quick thrust. Suddenly, Harry leaned forward, leaving his hold on her hips to let one hand fondle a bare tit, the other dipping down to toy with her clit.

Hermione keened in pleasure, just as Harry abandoned his brief exploration of her shapely breasts to fist her hair and give her dark curls a sharp tug. With a trembling hand, Hermione flipped the page of the book underneath her face, squeaking when Harry gave her an affectionate nip.

In the real world, Hermione’s face was bright red as she saw her past self’s picture reset itself. The Gryffindor witch cast a glance over the collection of books in her private office, looking for another one that she and her boyfriend could ‘read’ together. She also made a mental note to ask Harry about the charm he’d used to get the near-cinematic motions of the picture.

Elsewhere, July’s model was busy with reviewing her performance. Still bare and dripping from her jaunt in the pool, Lavender’s entry still had her stretched out on her deckchair, save for the obviously masculine figure standing next to the headrest. A hand rested on Lavender’s scalp, gripping the blonde’s golden locks as he pressed the purple head of his large, thick cock against her lips. The witch’s tongue flicked gently at Harry’s shaft, wetting it before she slowly enveloped the head with her warm mouth. Lavender sucked and slurped audibly, taking more and more of her wizard’s generous dick into her mouth while he slowly rocked his hips. Inevitably, she deepthroated him, her lips brushing against his black pubic curls as her throat massaged his prick. She then slowly drew back, giving his cockhead a few parting sucks before letting him out of her mouth with a ‘pop’. Harry wasn’t idle either; his free hand busied itself with kneading one of the witch’s generous breasts while the other kept her head steady for his thrusts. Lavender’s hand — the one that wasn’t occupied with jacking off Harry’s slick shaft — was buried between her legs; two fingers buried in her damp folds while her palm massaged her prominent clit.

In the real world, Lavender watched the action with a coy little smile on her face. The blonde leaned back, making a mental note to break in the swimming pool sometime soon.

The last of Gryffindor’s witches was just flipping open her particular entry as well. Parvati’s cheeks were darkened by the warm blush on her face as she perused her own memorable session, letting the picture play out fully in her hand. The picture had the pretty Indian wrapped in a sensual embrace with her lover, her head tilted upwards to engage Harry in passionate liplock. All that was visible of the witch was the elegant plane of her bare back; her legs wrapped around the Unspeakable’s waist while he squeezed and massaged the supple cheeks of her arse. The couple maintained a slow rhythm together; Harry only breaking the kiss to nuzzle and suckle at Parvati’s neck and shoulder while the witch looped her arms behind his neck. The sensuality of the scene contrasted with the blatant sexuality of the previous entries, drawing the Gryffindor calendar entries to a satisfying finish.

Opposite Parvati, Padma too was enjoying a trip down memory lane, as her particular entry had her in a similar position as her sister. The differences were substantial however, as Harry had the witch pinned to a pillar as he pounded into her; his lips occupied with a bouncing breast. Padma’s fingernails raked down the wizard’s back as her hoarse screams and cries proved how well he was doing; especially with the way she had her free hand in his hair, pushing him closer to her chest.

Back in the current time, the Patil Twins looked at each other and traded identical mischievous, plotting grins.

Elsewhere, Special Correspondent Penelope Clearwater had flipped open the pages of her copy to October, her month. The pretty reporter smiled warmly, a red tint slowly staining her cheeks as the scene played out in the same glade she had taken the initial picture. Dressed in her witch costume, Penelope’s past self was still perched on her log in a near-identical fashion to her previous pose, save for the black-haired man in the antique witch-hunter’s outfit kneeling in front of her. With both fingers and tongue, Harry lapped at and thrust into the warm heat of Penny’s dripping quim, obviously hard at work in finding her witch’s mark. The witch’s hips bucked into Harry’s face as her free hand pressed against his scalp, encouraging his investigations, while his own hand rose up, cupped and gently squeezed a bare breast. The sudden, high-pitched shriek of ecstasy indicated the wizard’s success in his ‘search’, as the witch’s juices flooded his mouth.

Watching the picture reset itself, Penny leaned back in her seat and briefly contemplated her personal collection of costumes, back in her home. She made a mental note to try out some of her personal favourites with a certain green-eyed wizard as soon as possible.

Meanwhile, just under Hermione’s office, Lisa Turpin had just begun turning to her own particular page. The Runemistress brushed an errant strand of hair away from her face, letting a warm smile bloom as the calendar replayed her day. The brown-haired witch in the entry was lying back on a bed of autumn leaves, fully nude and partially hidden by the wirily-muscled wizard over her. While Lisa and Harry’s hips met in slow rhythm, the scene was substantially relaxed as the couple bantered playfully amidst their lovemaking. Lisa’s hands held on to Harry’s biceps, her moans intermingling with soft giggles and masculine chuckles. Every so often, Harry’s head would duck down to nuzzle and suckle hungrily on the witch’s bare, bouncing tits, using tongue and teeth to great effect on caramel nipples as Lisa looked down on him with a gaze of tender pleasure. Then her look turned mischievous before she suddenly reversed their positions, chuckling at the look of surprised indignation on her lover’s face.

The picture then reset itself, leaving Lisa with a coy little smile on her face and an urge to show her paramour just how ‘playful’ she could really be.

Elsewhere, another intrigued witch had just unsealed her envelope, flipping open the pages of her copy until she found her entry. Tracey Davis watched her picture’s antics with a certain sense of accomplishment, taking a seat to enjoy her trip down memory lane. The moaning and writhing blonde witch in December’s picture was still dressed in the risqué Ms. Claus outfit she’d posed in, but it was fairly obvious that there were far more interesting things going on. The witch’s tiny red skirt had been hiked up over her hips, while the red button on her vest had been undone to expose her perky tits to the air. A dark-haired man kneeled in front of the festively-clad witch, his face buried within her thighs as he enthusiastically licked and slurped at at her damp twat; sucking at her clit before using his tongue to delve into her tight pussy. One of Tracey’s long legs was slung over Harry’s shoulder; her limbs spread apart as Harry feasted hungrily on his witch’s dripping pussy. A ribbon encircled her trim waist, just below the hands massaging and pinching at her breasts and nipples. A small tag attached to it read ‘Enjoy your present!’

Watching her picture-self, Tracey, for her part, made a note to celebrate another festive season with her paramour soon.

January’s witch had also begun reviewing her first session with their mutual lover. Daphne Greengrass appraised her own session through clear blue eyes, a warm smirk tugging at her lips as she leaned back into her seat. Her picture still showed her posing on the cloak, but for the green-eyed wizard lying next to her. A strong masculine hand held up Daphne’s slender left leg, spreading them open as the fat head of his long, meaty cock pressed her exposed, dripping lower lips. Harry’s cock pressed onward insistently, slowly pushing into the Slytherin’s damp heat with slow thrusts as her tight quim enveloped him. The witch’s head was thrown back in obvious pleasure; the erect nipples of her full breasts standing out defiantly. The wizard’s free hand curved up from beneath the slender curve of her waist; its fingers interlacing with her own as the Unspeakable fucked the heiress on her own cloak. The witch’s coat had been pulled down to bare her shoulders; while Harry’s mouth plundered hers as he quickened the pace of his thrusts. Wet slaps of flesh meeting flesh were accompanied by Daphne’s sighs and low screams of pleasure as her wizard nipped and sucked at her neck and shoulder.

The reviewing of her night drew an inspired thought from Daphne as she looked up thoughtfully. She had more things than just fur coats to model for her man, after all.

Yet another young woman too had opened her mail. The last of the Winter Witches, Pansy Parkinson sipped from a glass of iced tea while watching her own particular scene play out. Her picture still had her relaxing within the confines of her hot tub, with the exception of her ‘visitor’. The dark-haired witch was seated on the lap of an equally-dark-haired wizard, bouncing slowly on his shaft. While most of their bodies were obscured by the water, each thrust lifted part of the Slytherin’s upper torso out of the water, showing pert, milky breasts cradled in calloused hands; their fingers rolling and playing with her dark nipples. Harry’s mouth was busy with laving a path across her shoulders with licks and kisses. With surprising speed, Pansy suddenly turned around and wrapped her legs behind her lover’s back, tucking her head under his chin and nipping his neck gently as he slowly rocked into her.

There was a small smile on Pansy’s face as she watched the picture reset itself. The witch looked at the time, mentally calculating when Harry would return home and when she could surprise him in the shower.

Meanwhile, Spring’s Witches hadn’t been left out of the loop either. A certain pink-haired Auror, relaxing on an isolated park bench during her break, was idly perusing the entries of the previous months’ witches before finally coming to her own page. A slow, naughty little grin crossed her face as she reviewed her performance.

March’s picture had the Auror still brazenly naked on a clear spring day; the main exception being that she was not alone in the picture. Instead, the lithe Metamorphmagus had wrapped both arms and legs around an equally-nude Harry’s back as the powerful wizard forced inch after inch of his meaty cock into her tight arse. Hoarse shrieks and squeals of encouragement were the soundtrack here, as Tonks met every one of the Unspeakable’s powerful thrusts with her own, grinding her pelvis against her lover’s with ready twists of her hips. The changeling witch was engaged in frantic liplock as Harry crushed her lips against his, sexually dominating her with powerful spanks to her plundered arse and turning the pale skin red.

Tonks’ smile turned wicked as the picture reset itself just before her picture-self’s orgasm struck. Harry had been more than willing to seize control of their encounter — and the subsequent post-coital cuddle (including compliments about what a good girl she was) had touched all her needs in a lover. She made a mental note to thank Hermione properly before turning her attention to the Harry-inclusive bedroom antics she was planning.

Elsewhere, a surprisingly slow day at the Leaky Cauldron had resulted in Hannah Abbot taking an early lunch break; a healthy blush on her pale cheeks as she flipped through her calendar copy while waiting for Susan to join her. The curvy witch slowly fanned herself; a shy little smile crossing her face when she came to April’s page.

Unlike her original shot, Hannah had done away with her barmaid’s apron in favour of lying back, gloriously nude, on the bar counter. A few empty bottles of butterbeer were scattered around the bar; their fizzy amber contents splashed across most of Hannah’s upper torso to give her skin a damp, glistening look. She wasn’t alone in the picture either; judging from the way Harry’s hips ground into hers with each strong thrust. The bubbly witch’s right leg was held over the Unspeakable’s shoulder, her hips held in place by a steadying hand while her cute moans wafted around the room. She was abruptly silenced when the wizard leaned down to steal a kiss, before breaking it to follow the butterbeer trail with his tongue. He laved his way down her neck and throat, leaving no inch of skin untouched before paying special attention to her round breasts. His lips and teeth closed over a nipple, drawing a muffled squeak from the witch.

Then the picture reset itself, leaving a hot and bothered witch staring at her calendar. Hannah made a mental note to expand her horizons a little — strawberries and whipped cream next, perhaps?

Finally, the last — but certainly not the least — witch of the Calendar had just flipped open to her own scene, a confident smile on her face. Susan Bones leaned back into her seat as her calendar entry played out her romp with the Boy-Who-Lived.

May’s entry had Susan dressed in her modified Auror’s outfit, albeit on her knees instead of standing up. The well-endowed Puff’s large, firm breasts were exposed to the air, their puffy nipples already erect as the Auror massaged and pinched at her own nipples, looking up at the face of her seated lover mischievously. She leaned forward slowly, lapping at Harry’s exposed prick with her tongue; swirling it around his bulbous cockhead before taking it in her mouth. The redhead managed to take in half of his length before letting him out of her mouth, breaking the strand of saliva that connected her lips to his cock with a flick of her tongue. Susan then lifted her upper torso, letting Harry’s cock rest between her tits. A flash showed that a pair of handcuffs tied her right hand to Harry’s left as the wizard slowly began to thrust upwards, letting the Auror flick her tongue against his prick as he enjoyed the titfuck she offered.

The picture reset just as the stimulation of breasts and tongue caused Harry to unload salvo after salvo of hot, thick ropes of spunk over Susan’s luscious lips and the tops of her breasts. The redhead’s eyes had already darkened with lust as she licked her lips, desperately counting the hours till the end of her shift.

Harry looked up at the ceiling of his apartment tiredly, a crooked grin crossing his face as the winners of the ‘who gets to cuddle with Harry’ contest curled up around him. He wrapped his right hand around Daphne’s bare waist, stroking the sleeping beauty’s side idly while Hermione purred and nipped at his jawline from her perch at his other side. Lavender had already dozed off, curling up on his chest while, all around him, his witches were cuddled up against one another.

It had been a good day.

From Pansy’s surprise shower to the twins showing him just how unidentical they could be, it had been a rather educating experience for him. Who knew just how varied some of his witches’ kinks were?

Plus, it was a Saturday tomorrow… which meant he had all the time in the world to perform further… .explorations.

Who knew that calendars could be so profitable?

Overlord Challenge (response)

cloudtobias

In response to Hellishlord’s little challenge and my own love for the series I present this small drabble.

The end of Harry’s summer had taken on quite an odd twist. Shortly before the Weasley’s were scheduled to pick him up for the World Cup, this small brown thing had appeared in his bed room. It was dressed in raggid clothes and had a staff of some kind attached to his back with a soft light attached to the end. It glowed over the small creature’s head. It rubbed it’s chin with a clawed hand, and Harry had the feeling he’d seen it before. It reminded him of those gremlins in that late night movie he’d seen last Saturday. He just hoped it didn’t multiply when wet.

Well, you’ve certainly grown since my master and I visited you last, whelp. The thing grumbled. It took some shambling steps towards Harry, looking him over. A bit skinny, so I suppose we’ll have to fatten you up.

Um, who are you? Harry asked, taken aback by this strange creature’s words.

You don’t remember me, do you eh? It muttered. No surprise. I last visited with your great grandfather shortly after you were born. Your grandmother was my master’s daughter.

My great grandfather? Harry repeated numbly. The creature nodded.

Yes, he died just recently. My name is Gnarl master, minion master and devoted servant of darkness. I am here to take you to your birth right. The creature named Gnarl informed him. Before Harry could ask what he meant, the creature grabbed him by the wrist and they both vanished.

Hogwarts Great Hall
Start Of The School Year

The start of the new school year had started on a somber note. It was meant to be a festive occasion with the start of the Triwizard Tournament, but it was dampened by the disappearance of Harry Potter.

During the summer, Harry had disappeared from his home at Privet drive and any attempts to find him had failed. Dumbledore had even sent Dobby to locate him but the little elf had never returned. It was as if the boy had simply dropped off the face of the Earth. Little did they know just how accurate that statement was.

Dumbledore cleared his throat to finish welcoming the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students after their spectacular entrances, when a large plume of fire erupted in the entrance to the Great Hall. Everyone’s attention snapped to the spectacular display of magic, which end with a loud bang and filled that area with a loud cloud of black smoke. Coughing immediately came from the cloud.

Gnarl, can’t you do something about this smoke? A familiar voice asked between coughs.

My deepest apologies sire, but these wards were rather difficult to breach. The smoke is a temporary side affect, I’m afraid. A low, groveling voice replied. The familiar voice coughed once more before uttering a spell to clear the air. Numerous people gasped in shock or sighed in relief at the sight of Harry Potter.

But Harry was not as he had been before. He was dressed in large metal boots, metal greaves, with brown leather slacks under them. He was bare chested showing his newly developed muscle and around his shoulders was draped a ragged red cloak. He wore a large metal gauntlet on his left arm with a glowing red jewel and carried his wand in his right hand. A long metal sword was strapped to his left side, and he wore a large metal helmet with three large spikes sticking straight up.

Harry Potter scared the hell out of everyone in the room.

Ah, and I see the spawning pits are forming as well. The small creature name Gnarl commented, his gaze to the left side of the hall. Numerous heads whipped around to are at the far wall where four small pits were forming from the ground against the wall. Each one was a separate color of brown, red, green, or blue. As soon as the pits formed, Creatures began to crawl up from inside, five from each. They were the same color as the pit they crawled from and were all dressed in outrageous clothing. Some wore pumpkins like helmets, others rats for hats. Some carried clubs and some rode cubs. One peculiar brown creature was dressed as a court jester complete with hat and staff. He was one extra and counting Gnarl and him there were twenty two of the little creatures that were now jibbering excitedly in the hall as they all hurried to line up behind Harry. The only two who did not were the Jester & Gnarl who stood by him.

All make way for Overlord Potter! The Jester shouted. Harasser of humans! Merciful quieter of the grumbling stomachs! Most under confident master! Cautious crusader! Restorer of the dark tower! And suppressor of free jester speech!

At this last statement Harry kicked the Jester firmly in his ass and sent him tumbling threw the air to land behind the Proffessor’s table with a loud jingling of bells.

Pity that wall was there. Gnarl grumbled. It looks like he might have broken a new distance record then sire.

Harry Potter! Hermione screeched, aghast at his actions.

Hermione! Harry cried out and rushed the surprised witch. He threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly, beginning to cry on her shoulder. Oh I missed you so much! It’s been so confusing! I’ve been taking over the wizarding world without even knowing about it and even beating Jester doesn’t help anymore! Gimly keeps fighting with Dobby over who gets to clean my underwear and Gnarl keeps fondling girls to see if they are worthy to be my mistress! It’s all so confusing because I know it’s wrong but it’s so much fun too!

Hmmmmm, perhaps this one would do? Gnarl spoke up from next to them, poking Hermione’s bum with one clawed finger. She certainly looks nice and is smart enough.

Stop that! Hermione shrieked, trying to pry the hysterical Overlord off of her.

Master perhaps we should introduce ourselves and then retire with the female for the night? Gnarl suggested. It might be more productive! Harry sniffed and nodded.

Okay Gnarl. The emotional Overlord responded before turning to the shocked students and faculty. Ladies and gentlemen, I am Overlord Potter. I am here to attend to my schooling and to obtain mistresses. Harry glanced at Gnarl who nodded encouragingly. This was obviously a well rehersed statement. Now please meet my minions!

At this cue the twenty remaining minions unleashed hell. Diving upon students and tables admist their own shrieking laughter, they began devouring the feast, fondling students and teachers alike, and even ripping off clothes to wear as their own. One particular minion was even riding Draco Malfoy around the room like a pony.

As Harry led the dazed Hermione away Gnarl nodded happily to himself.

His new master may be bit emotional but he did have potential.

Ah, this one looks like a birdy now! And she throws fire! Fly big birdie, fly!

Gnarl sighed. Minions.

greenzxz

Memo	Conference Delegation
To	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
From	Senior Staff, Department of International Magical Cooperation, Percival Weasley
RE	Fleur Weasley, Padma Patil, and Hermione Potter
◊ I must formally protest appointment of the above named witches on the delegation to the International Conference on Dissemination of Spells.I fear for their ability to properly represent all that is great about Magical Britain.
◊ The first was born overseas, so I must question Mrs. Weasley’s loyalty to our Ministry, despite her relocation here since her graduation, her assistance in the War effort, and her marriage into a great pureblood family with long traditions. In addition to not being British, her own sister Gabrielle Delacour is currently slated to be in the French delegation, so I cannot help but doubt Mrs. Weasley’s dedication to keep our valuable British spells out of foreign hands. Worst of all, she is not of pure human heritage,which renders suspect whether she can represent proper wizards and witches at all.
◊ The second at least is of human heritage, and Miss Patil was born in Magical Britain and attended our esteemed Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, while her current Unspeakable career may or may not be going well [Sorry Percy, what Unspeakables are doing are Unspeakable]. However, her grandparents and her mother came from one of our Colonies, India. She has been brought up with values vastly different from proper British wizards and witches. All these years after graduation, neither she nor her sister have settled down to marry a proper wizard! Furthermore, there are rumors going about that she has performed actions involving women that can only be described as scarlet. I cannot in good conscience condone such an inferior example of British witchcraft to attend an international conference.
◊ The third witch is also of human heritage, and has an properly English heritage for many generations at that, but not magical. Thus, Mrs. Potter (she would like to be called Mrs. Potter-Granger, but that’s some silly Muggle nonsense that I see no need in heeding) lacks the magical roots that help her understand our esteemed and long lasting traditions. As an example, she attempted, most ludicrously and disruptively, to free house elves from serving proper wizard households. Imagine! Free house elves? That doesn’t even make sense! Most damning is her connection with one Harry James Potter, who is a disturbing influence on our Ministry, causing chaos and interrupted work wherever he goes. Just the other day he accused Mr. Bagman of breaking Muggle gambling laws. Ridiculous! My vote against Mrs. Potter is based on these attempts to destroy the good Old Ways of our culture and our life.
◊ I hope my words sway you and you appoint properly British and loyal wizards or witches with proper heritage such as Marietta Edgecombe or Seamus Finnegan.
◊ P.S. Thank you for being so understanding of my dedication to my work and do not mind when I work all night in the office or when I am traveling. I am sure that you can deal with these alone times dutifully.
◊ P.P.S. I had a bit of free time this past weekend and went home. I have seen that you have not been home for a few weeks it seems. Good to see your dedication to your work, as you must have sleep at the office as I am wont to do! I knew I would not regret selecting you in being a good proper English wife. Now I hope we can make an appointment so you may provide me with a good son as soon as possible. Thank you.

Tommy King

Memo	Trainee Auror R. B. Weasley
To	Major H. Potter
From	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
◊ Trainee Auror Weasley has now reached two years service and as such cannot hold the rank of Trainee. Due to the MoM no-firing regulation with regards to purebloods, Trainee Weasley will henceforth hold the rank of Acting Private. Please note this is the first time in 100 years that this rank has been awarded.
p.s. Percy has been sent to Siberia on a Diplomatic Mission, and I have bought that runny honey you enjoy.

greenzxz

Because in the end, I’m still a Ron-basher…

Memo	Transfer of Acting Private Weasley Complete
From	Auror Lieutenant Hestia Jones
To	Major Harry J. Potter
◊ Acting Private Ronald Weasley has been returned to active duty today. Per your recommendations, I have attached him to the Undercover Patrol Unit, assigned to a patrol area near the town of Ottery St. Catchpole, specifically a 100 square meter area around the building known on the Floo Network as The Burrow.
◊ His official orders now includes the phrase, to protect the citizens of the patrol area at all costs and not to exit the patrol area for any reason until official relief, signed by Major Harry J. Potter, Healer Pansy Malfoy, and Lieutenant Hestia Jones, arrives. We do have to pay him extra for hazard duties, but the MoM cafeteria is willing to cover those costs for us.
P.S. My cousin Gwenog is planning to teach her niece Megan and myself some professional Quidditch flying skills. Do you have time tomorrow afternoon to demonstrate to us your famed ability to handle your broomstick?

Of clichés and how to pervert them

Lord of Bones

So, how was it like?

Ron looked up from his third plate of steak and chips, a dribble of sauce dropping down his chin. How was what like? he asked indifferently, spraying partially-masticated food over George, Bill and their unhappy-looking spouses.

This being Ron with a mouthful of food, it came out as ‘Ow ‘s ‘at ‘ike?

Angelina winced, ducking to avoid a carrot.

Y’know… it, said Bill eagerly.

What? asked the irritable ginger, reaching out for a tankard of butterbeer.

Feeding her kitty, the featherbed jig, the horizontal tango, knocking boots, doing the nasty? offered George lecherously, ignoring Angelina’s offended glare.

Ron looked blank.

Sex, dammit! How was Hermione in bed?! snapped Bill, turning a blind eye to Fleur’s disgusted glare. Comprehension blazed in Ron’s eyes.

Why the hell didn’t you say so?! retorted the youngest male Weasley, reaching out for a chicken wing. His oldest brother twitched.

So how was it?

Dunno. Never had it.

The ensuing silence was so thick you could hear a mite’s death-cry.

Then…

What?!

I said, I never had it.

What do you mean, you never had it?! demanded Bill. You were on your bloody honeymoon! How could you not have had sex with her?!

Ron shrugged. It looked like too much work. I mean, with all the sweat and the disgusting mess… who’d want to do that?

Fleur started to snicker.

Then… then… what in the bloody hell did you do?! screamed George, his eyes wide.

Disturbingly, Ron’s eyes began to sparkle. Eat, of course. With all the food down there, every day was a new adventure, he said enthusiastically, tears appearing at the corners of his eyes in fond remembrance.

A visibly disturbed Angelina slowly began to inch away as Ron began to wax poetic about his culinary expeditions.

Then what did Hermione do?

Harry.

OhGodOhGodOhGod it’s all the way in!

Harder! Harder! Fuuuuckkkk!

That’s it! Spank my arse! Oh god!

Four pairs of eyes looked up in astonishment as the sudden racket continued. The owners of two of those pairs slowly began to turn pink.

Ron shook his head in obvious exasperation. Fifth time this hour.

What the hell’s going on?! demanded Bill through the din. His reply was a smug grin.

I’d already won Hermione, said Ron smugly; but all this sex stuff looked messy and tiring, so I floo’ed Harry and made him handle it. He has to do all the work with Hermione while I got the easy one. Pretty smart, huh?

But isn’t Harry dating someone else? That Greengrass girl from school? asked Angelina, her curiosity — and libido — piqued.

Yeah, that Slytherin harlot came along too, sneered Ron. She stopped screaming just before you got here.

A feminine scream of pure ecstasy cut off whatever reply coming to Ron’s statement, before being followed up with a masculine roar. For a few minutes there was silence.

Then an upstairs door opened and closed.

Everyone save Ron stared unabashedly at the sweaty, triumphant-looking form of Harry Potter as he came down the stairs and into the kitchen clad in nothing more than a pair of emerald green boxers. Fleur gave a little whimper as the wirily-muscled wizard walked in, his neck and torso littered with red marks.

He gave them a little wave, opened the fridge and drew out a bowl of strawberries with a can of whipped cream. Thoughtfully, he transfigured a nearby sheet of paper into two paddles as well, before walking back up the stairs.

Angelina made a strangled, choking sound and immediately regretted not wearing a bra.

Ron just continued eating, confident that he’d finally got one over Harry Potter.

greenzxz

A/N: Thanks to canoncancodoff, from whom I got the belly-button thing. Also thanks to him & hellishlord for helping us imagine what to do with multiple human appendages.

Memo	Conference Report, Day Two
To	Chief Administrator Penelope Weasley
From	Unspeakable **********
RE	Miss Gabrielle Delacour and Cooperation Efforts
I apologize for falling asleep before dictating the report last night; you know how tiring handling Major Potter can be. However, I woke this morning very refreshed and now will take over Healer Potter-Granger’s reporting duties, as she is currently unable to enunciate properly for the dicta-quill; good manners prevent speaking with one’s mouth full in any case.
◊ Today Mrs. Fleur Weasley and Miss Gabrielle Delacour had no events planned, having intended to take today off to catch up with each other. Healer Potter-Granger hosted a panel on advanced usages of human transfiguration, especially the benefits of additional prehensile extensions. I had accompanied Major Potter to a special panel hosted by a Naga from India on the finer points of using Parseltongue. I attended as a translator for the Major and a private test subject for some of the spells. I believe that you should request Major Potter for a personal demonstration at soonest convenience.
◊ This evening, after dinner, we retired to the room to continue the second phase of the negotiations, but I intended to have a stronger discussion with Miss Delacour. Upon entering the room, Miss Delacour demonstrated initiative and attempted to teach me French ways of greeting loved ones. I think I learned quickly but will benefit from more practice; Miss Delacour agrees. In return, I imparted upon her the details of my culture; she seemed accepting of the attention that my people gives to belly buttons. But that was the point of this conference, was it not? We are sharing our cultures with each other.
◊ Thus Miss Delacour and myself were occupied, so Mrs. Weasley took over as the expert in all things French for Ms. Potter-Granger and Major Potter, demonstrating such things from the types of greeting Miss Delacour was showing me to the beach-going habits of many French women, especially those with ability to cast Notice-Me-Not charms. In fact, Ms. Potter-Granger and Major Potter had to tactilely verify that Mrs. Weasley was not using glamour charms of any kind. They took their duty to fully understand the modern French witch seriously. Mrs. Weasley was quite vocal in explaining what were some of the key characterstics to which Ms. Potter-Granger and Major Potter needed to pay close attention. I understand that you are familiar with her unique style of instruction and will not waste time going into specifics here.
◊ Miss Delacour is quite similar to her sister in many regards, but she spent most of the evening reminding me of the key phrase Viva la difference! which coincidentally applies quite well to my own sister and myself. Hooray for the difference indeed. I am unaware whether you met Miss Delacour previously, so let me explain.
◊ Miss Delacour holds herself with a self-assurance that is rarely seen. She seems quite comfortable in her skin, even more so when in private. Unlike Astoria Nott, who wavers between a pampered little sister and a little sister with a chip on her shoulder, Miss Delacour is clearly happy to be her own woman, proud of who she is. As an example, Mrs. Weasley still sometimes appear to fear her Veela side, trying extra hard to be a French witch first, then a part Veela. Miss Delacour instead embraces her heritage. As she explained later in the evening, meeting Major Potter so early in her life meant that she didn’t come to fear people who merely tolerated her Veela allure, but instead found a support network of witches and wizard who cherished her for everything that she is. Of course, this means interacting with her on a personal level can be difficult due to the distractions of the allure, as she doesn’t control it as well as Mrs. Weasley.
◊ In my own case during the discussions of this evening, on multiple occasions I found her allure to be overwhelmingly distracting. It makes one more pliant to abandon one’s own position and to satisfy the Veela as soon as possible. We were simultaneously exchanging tastes of our own respective types of honey when I had the urge to stop taking of hers and open myself up further instead. Refusing from negotiating from such a position of weakness, I mustered every bit of self control and attempted to wrestle against the allure with limited success. We settled into a compromise position that rubbed both of us the right way, though I still ended up with the bottom half of the equation. However, Miss Delacour chose not to push her advantage, so the negotiations concluded with a mutually beneficial result.
◊ I have determined that a longer term study between the Delacour heiress and the Patil family would not be amiss and we should encourage its arrangement at soon as possible. This preliminary encounter has found the exchange of mutual care and outstanding offers of manual and vocal assistance. I believe I have managed to impress upon her a clear and personal view of my own British-Indian lifestyle requirements, but will be intrigued to investigate Miss Delacour in her natural environment.
Good night, and let us hope that Ms. Potter-Granger will relinquish her husband’s attention soon and allow us the night of sleep to continue negotiations tomorrow.
P.S. Please send my apologies to my sister for the slip this afternoon; I hope she was in private when I lost control of our bond. But you two should know that I was in the Parseltongue panel. Look forward to it!
P.P.S. I heard about Percy’s letter regarding us. Have I ever mentioned how glad I am that that Yule Ball during the Tri-Wizard Tournament was such a fiasco? I cannot imagine if I had gotten along with Ronald Weasley! I commiserate with you and Fleur both.

@PS	p.p.s. We have stored pensieve memories of this event for you to evaluate to ensure we followed correct procedure, if you find any faults we will be happy to re-enact the situation until we are deemed efficient.
@PS	p.p.s. Are you free next Saturday?

Memo	Muggle Liaison Training
To	Major H. J. Potter
From	Training Sergeant Spinnet
Re	Acting Private Weasley
◊ As part of his ongoing Field Training I took Acting Private Ronald ‘ooh shiney’ Weasley into Muggle London. The first problem was his clothes, he arrived dressed in a lime green t-shirt, fluorescent orange shorts open toed sandals and white knee-length socks. When questioned he stated his father had told him what would be suitable to wear.
◊ After transfiguring his clothing into something more suitable we entered Muggle London via the Leaky Cauldron. In spite of having no Muggle cash, Weasley insisted on checking out every food store and street vendor selling food, I lost count of how many memory charms I had to cast to cover up the lack of payment for all the food he consumed.
◊ Weasley returned to the Department with a large roll of tin-foil which he is describing as ‘The best shiney thing I have ever found in the whole of today.’
◊ Recommend that Acting Private Weasley restarts Muggle Liaison Training.
P.S. I got the cans of whipped cream for later.

Name	Ronald Weasley
Age	29
Rank	Acting Private
Role Within DMLA	Administration
Major’s Remarks [Potter, Harry J]
◊ There’s a saying among the officers: If a job is worth doing it’s worth doing well. If it’s not worth doing, give it to Weasley. Astoundingly zealous. Possibly mad. Probably has more teeth than brain cells.
◊ Has failed to pass the Private Rank Combat, Investigative and Legal examinations on many occasions. Has been given administrative duties on half pay until he successfully graduates academy. Widely believed significant amount of WWW profit spent on exam fee’s and hiring private tutors for Ron from department. Extra money funneled into intensifying exams and classes, giving other recruits better skills at the expense of Weasley’s self esteem and wallet. All for the Greater Good after all.
◊ Only member on the force due to § 35-C(1) — No wizard in good standing may be removed from the Auror Corps, or as Weasley himself calls it, the Can’t Kick Me, I’m Pureblood paragraph.
Captain’s Remarks [Potter-Granger, Hermione J]
Ron — Imbecile — Ron — Imbecile — Ron — Imbecile — Ron — Imbecile
Lieutenant’s Remarks [Lovegood, Luna Z]
Ronald certainly is rather slow isn’t he? I’m sure it isn’t Brain Sucking Beedlebugs causing his slowness, ‘cause they don’t bother red heads who live with their mother and live off their brothers. Remus and Tonks are enjoying the lessons he needs, after all they are getting paid extra for them. According to Ron, they keep using Dark Magic to make him dumber, but I think it is the SIlver Coated Ear Insects that keep forcing him to hold his wand the wrong way round, and his perchant for baked bean sandwiches with brine water isn’t helping his professional image [Or oder?]
Promotion Prospects	Comical

Memo	Missing Acting Private Weasley
To	Major H. J. Potter
From	Scotland Yard Liaison Sergeant Davis
◊ We have, unfortunately, located one Acting Private Ronald Weasley. As amazing as it may sound, he does have SOME knowledge of Wizarding Laws, after a fashion.
◊ It appears that he, at some point, realized that a group of Muggles had surrounded him in the park. The details are a bit unclear, but he probably decided that he was breaking the Statute of Secrecy and attempted to Obliviate the witnesses himself.
◊ You know of his abilities and can imagine what happened next.
◊ He was taken into custody by the local police and it has taken this long for the report to reach our Scotland Yard Liaison office. He apparently has no memory of the past two weeks, the color silver, or anything he ever learned in Muggle Studies (even the wrong stuff). We have yet to ascertain what memories he lost or what he never knew.
◊ Please advise as to a course of action.
P.S. Taking a full week to discover a wizard in Muggle custody is a travesty. I shall pay you a visit tonight in my old robes so I may be punished.

Looking for Hogwarts

Auror Captain Harry James Potter: Performance Evaluation

Loop (II)

Hogwarts Calendar

Loop

La Blue Wizard OMAKE

Potions 101

Hogwarts Calendar II: Continuation

Hogwarts Calendar III: Potter’s Revenge

Overlord Challenge (response)

Of clichés and how to pervert them

Memo	Magical PDA
To	Susan Bones, Tracey Davis, Gabrielle Delacour, Pansy Malfoy, Padma Patil, Parvati Patil, Fleur Weasley, Penelope Weasley, Daphne Zabini
CC	Harry Potter
From	Hermione Potter-Granger
First, I would like to thank Padma for assisting me on these parchments. These will allow more discreet notes to be passed among us, as everything written here will be automatically replicated onto the parchments of those on the To: line.
You nine have been selected to receive this prototype model, and I will consider allowing other witches access after this initial test. Until noted otherwise, my standard loyalty charms will activate should you reveal knowledge of these parchments to witches not on the list.
There is one other important feature. If you tap your wand on the small picture of the clock on the upper right, you can access the Calendar of one Major Harry James Potter. I have been requested to add this feature as Major Potter seems to get an inordinate amount of visitors dropping by unexpectedly or citizens requesting an appointment at odd and bizarre times. Future appointments can be requested via this calendar: tap on day, tap on time, then fill in details about who, where, and what.
I reserve the right to refuse access to MY husband, but have fun!